Heart's Fall
Man reconnects with his old flame, but she has secrets...
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Author's Note

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For me, autumn has always been about nostalgia, melancholy, and love. That's what this story is truly about. I hope that you enjoy it.

This version has been edited to correct continuity mistakes and other embarassing errors. I apologize that these made it in. I do my own editing so this is entirely my fault. Other small changes to sentence structure and text flow have been made, but none that impact the story.

Special thanks to MakeMeRealAgain from Reddit for ensuring that I stayed true to my subject and providing vital criticism and feedback.

This is dedicated to NightFawn, my little succubus. May she always find joy in her endeavors.

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Now - Lost in the River

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"What?" I said, disbelieving.

"We're...we're seeing each other..." Shanon said, stumbling through her confession while awkwardly holding Gary's hand. Sorry, awkwardly holding my "friend" Gary's hand.

"Seeing each other, or fucking?" I felt the old coldness take me. I didn't get mad like other people, but I could be cruel.

"Jesus Christ, James," Gary started. I didn't let him finish.

"No one's talking to you, Gary," I said, "In fact, I'm a little insulted that you're here. I'd have thought that Shanon would have had the decency to break up with me face to face, alone. I've never hurt or threatened you. I cannot believe you're telling me like this. Ganging up on me."

"We're not ganging up on you!" she said, almost desperately, "Yes, we slept together, ok? Just once. And we didn't plan this. It just kind of happened. You were out of town and Gary came over looking for you and we started talking and...well then we started hanging out...and then...then we kissed...and touched each other..."

There wasn't any shame on Gary's face, in fact I wasn't even sure he was capable of it, but I could read it on Shanon's. Who would ever have expected that smart, honest Shanon would have done this. Not me, and probably not her. Well, people never failed to disappoint.

"I'm pretty sure you didn't plan it, Shanon. Can't really say the same about him." He'd always had a thing for her, but lots of people have crushes and don't act on them. I guess it was too much to ask of him.

"I resent that, James."

"Resent it if you want, Gary. That doesn't mean it isn't true."

"What?" he said, actually looking stunned. It was hilarious, like a cartoon. I ignored him.

Shanon cleared her throat.

"Look," she said, trying to put on what I always thought of as her 'lets be reasonable' voice, "that's why we're here. I've felt like we've drifted apart, and I want to know if something is still here. Gary has been really supportive when you haven't been, and I...we...I don't know. I didn't think there was anything to save here, James, I truly didn't. If...if we can make it work still. I...I'm willing to try, ok? I'm sorry about what happened. We're here to be honest. This isn't me breaking up with you, its me trying...trying to make things right. If we can't, then... Look, just...just tell me what you want me to do."

This was a very Shanon way to do things. I would never have expected her to cheat, or to fall for another guy, but if she had, she would totally confess it and try to make everything ok again. Naturally, she would bring the other party because then we could all be honest with each other and 'clear the air' as she would put it. It would never occur to her that Gary might not be as honest as her or I might be so hurt as to not behave rationally. Or that this would make the hurt even worse. Fuck her for being so naive. A breakup text would have been better than this.

The sad thing was that I could believe that she would agree to never see Gary again. I could believe that she would do anything she could to earn my forgiveness. I could believe these things, but whatever trust I had in her was dead. And besides, she had hurt me. She had hurt me so fucking badly and I wanted her to hurt at least as much.

"What you can do," I said, calmly, looking her in the eyes, "is get out of my apartment. Forget my name, or my number, or that we were ever a couple. In fact don't even think of me. It makes me nauseous to think that I was looking forward to cooking for you and then making love with you tonight. How easily you took advantage of my trust. It must be hilarious to you that I was shopping for rings last week while you were fucking my best friend. I can't even imagine how stupid you must think me. So, please just get out and stop pretending you're here for anything but your stained conscience. You never fucking loved me, you just loved how I paid attention to you. Now you have someone who does that better, so it's time for you to move on."

Shanon turned completely pale and looked like I'd hit her. That probably would have been kinder. I was the aggrieved party here but every word I had said was chosen with the intent of causing maximum harm to her. If you know how someone thinks of themselves, and you know what they aspire to be, you can really cause a lot of emotional damage. She opened her mouth again. I didn't let her speak.

"Get out. Take your trash with you," I said, making the barest of nods towards Gary. He had a huge ego so I knew that being dismissive would bother him as much as anything would. He would probably forget about it tomorrow. I knew Shanon well enough to know that she would be crying over the things I said for months.

They stood up, and walked quickly to the door. They left, and she closed it so gently you could barely hear the click which signaled the end of my only serious adult relationship.

Yeah, so, maybe I was kind of a dick, but it felt like the right thing to do at the time. It didn't make me happier, but it did fill me with a cold satisfaction. Later I'd wonder where this kind of thought came from, and I had to assume it was from my father.

The only other thing I could think of was that Kerry wouldn't have done this to me.

* * *

I boxed up the few things Shanon had around my house and then put the box outside on the porch. I texted her and told her where she could get them. I told her not to bring her new boyfriend anywhere near my house, as I didn't trust him not to key my car or some other nonsense. Then I blocked her number and deleted her from my phone and social media. I was in a slash and burn kind of mood. I didn't want to be tempted to cross any old bridges so I demolished them.

I went to my home office. God I wished I had some liquor in the house. Shanon didn't like me to drink it because it made me depressed. Well, no alcohol had ever crushed my mood like she had today.

I wrote an email to my boss. She was always trying to get me to take time off, and I had a ton of vacation time built up. I told her that my personal life had collapsed so I'd like to leave the city for a bit, and go back home. I also asked if I could work remotely from there through the holidays. If she said no, that was fine, but I hadn't seen my mom in months, and I knew she was still mourning my dad.

I checked plane tickets but in the end just decided to drive. It would help me clear my head a bit before I got home.

I took a shower and tried not to think about the woman I loved sleeping with another man.

I went to bed, cried silently for a while, then slept like the dead. I knew that I was nose-diving into a new depression, but there wasn't really anything to be done.

* * *

I called my mom and asked her if it was a good time for a long visit. Unsurprisingly, she agreed. I really did feel bad about not visiting enough, and with Shanon out of my life there was no real need to worry about leaving the city for a good long while.

It took me a good eight hours to drive home. Cider Tree, Population 10,383. Just on the middle class side of poor, formerly a self-contained town with jobs, now mostly a bedroom community for the city about an hour away. Lots of parks and a quaint little downtown. The local private college, while tiny, was also pretty good.

I thought I hadn't missed it. The last time I'd been here had been nearly a year prior when my dad had died, and I suppose it had been a bit of a blur. I'd made most of the arrangements, bought the coffin, all that awful stuff. By the time it was all over, the idea of spending another minute in that town made me sick. I loved my mother, but I was constantly busy with work and the town held a lot of conflicting memories for me. Rather than visit her I had invited her up to see me for a few weekends. That seemed to cheer her up, and I called her weekly, but really, it probably wasn't enough.

The funeral was also the last time that I'd seen Kerry. She had spoken with Shanon, and expressed her condolences to me and then hugged me. But she'd been pretty cold to me other than that, and left before I could speak with her further.

I don't know what was wrong with me that led the women I loved to reject me, but I was pretty sure that I was done with dating for a while.

At the time it had been in the coldest part of winter. Now it was fall, of course. And fall in Cider Tree was nearly always gorgeous. I'd left early in the morning, so when I hit the city limits the late afternoon light was perfect and I was immediately struck by the oranges and reds of the trees. I rolled down my windows and let the cold air blow over me, smelling the leaves and a faint hint of smoke from people who were burning them in their backyards. I heard children yelling at each other and saw a couple, probably teens, sitting on a bench and making out but in a fairly pg-13 way.

And, naturally, with the sights and smells and sounds, memories took me.

Rather than drive straight home. I took a moment and parked in the nearly empty downtown district. It was after the main businesses closed but before the few restaurants and bars picked up for Friday night. I walked down past them, down to the park by the river. I stopped a moment, nostalgia taking hold.

Here it was. The bench, and just behind it...yes. The trees were there, still thick. From the outside it looked impenetrable, but if you were an adventurous child, you might try to crawl in and find a small empty space inside, maybe fifteen feet across, covered in soft grass and moss, well shaded in the summer. Then you could lead your best friend here and share it with her, this secret and magical place. If you did, then it would become your secret headquarters in the long summers.

It was even secluded enough that, if you were two teenagers in desperate, heedless love for each other, you might come here, to quietly make love and spoon in the evening, talking about futures that would never come to pass while learning how to pleasure one another. You still might dream of it to this day, waking up, raging hard and her scent alive in your memory.

I stood outside our grove, but I didn't go in. To go alone, now, as an adult felt like sacrilege to me. There were few places or people that I still found sacred, but this was one of them, and Kerry another.

Of course, no pleasant memories could exist without unpleasant ones. I looked up to the bridge that ran over the thin strip of wooded parkland and the river itself. It was covered in corrosion, but strong, and I still felt a shudder of fear at it. I was always a sensitive child, but was fearless in the face of violence, or the threat of it. Heights, though? They got me. The floor of the bridge was basically a thick metal grate, and the pedestrian walkway, added much later, was much thinner. You could see straight through it to the river below, and it shook and trembled as you walked across it. The railing was just under waist height on me today, and even as a small child it seemed unsafe, low, as if you could just tumble over it and fall the fifty or more feet to the water, rocks, and death.

If it weren't for following Kerry, I'd never have crossed. If I was doing something for her, it seemed like I possessed an endless reserve of courage. Today, I decided to walk across, just to prove that I still could.

I got about halfway and then looked down, testing myself, perhaps foolishly. The walkway creaked and shuddered and whined in protest of this outrage of a person walking upon it. I saw the river through it, relatively low after a dry year, although still deep. It would fill back up with the fall rains and the spring thaws. For now, it ran slowly, its surface barely disturbed by motion.

My mind wandered. I saw myself going off the bridge. Not in a tumble, like an accident, but purposefully. I saw the river's water rushing up to meet me. I felt the cold shock of the water and then the impact of the landing on hidden rocks. In my imagination a strange and unsettling peace came over me. I came back to myself with a jolt.

I finished and walked back across the bridge. That was enough fear to face for one day.

Kerry and I had broken up on a day like this, but it wasn't like with me and Shanon. It was quiet and sad and we'd made love for the last time, long and slow, and then we'd gone back to our different colleges. For that matter, it was kind of a secret that we were even together, but that didn't make it ache less.

We'd kept in touch after that, always hanging out when both of us were in town. After we both were done with college, she'd even visit me regularly in the city and I would go see her on the east coast. Things changed when I started to see Shanon, though.

Kerry was still polite and answered emails, but it was all pretty formal, almost professional. This was a weird shift from the friendly girl who always had time to talk me or who called me any time she needed someone to listen or to share good news.

I don't know why her attitude changed. We hadn't been even slightly romantic or fooled around in years, not since she met and then married her husband, Bill. I thought that he was the wrong kind of guy for her but they both seemed happy and he was a decent person who loved her by all accounts, so I kept my opinion to myself. There was some jealousy there, but it was more of a nostaligic thing then something serious. She visited me in the city both with and without her husband with some regularity.

But, like I said, all that ended when I met Shanon. I guess we got serious with each other pretty quickly, finding kindred spirits and all that. What a joke that turned out to be.

I could lie to everyone else, but deep in my heart I knew that there was something wrong with me. Something that wasn't seen easily, but after being with me long enough, any woman became aware of. I mean, I had depression, but I stayed on top of my treatments and managed it well. I wondered if women sensed it somehow, saw that I was defective on the inside. It was weird. I never really had problems meeting or talking with women, or even too much difficulty finding a partner for sex. I wasn't ugly, and I could be funny. But commitment? I didn't fear it as some people did, but it always seemed to backfire on me, ending poorly, leaving me feel broken or worthless.

I guess maybe it was for the best that Shanon had cheated. She probably would have regretted it dearly if she had married me.

I was not really in a good place at that moment, and was fairly certain that I would not have any romantic success in my future. What should have really worried me at that moment, but didn't, was that the idea of dying alone was starting to feel like a certainty, and perhaps sooner rather than later.

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Then - First Kiss

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A lot of people can remember when they met their first love, but I can't. Not because she wasn't memorable. Far from it, I've always thought she was at least pretty. Instead it is because we grew up together. I think we really started playing with each other in kindergarten but we probably 'met' when we were toddlers at church. It's just that kind of small community.

So, from almost as far as I can remember up to when I left for college, she was my best friend. She was definitely a bit of a tomboy but I also didn't have a lot of hang ups about doing shit boys weren't supposed to do, like share emotions or talk about clothes. I just couldn't be bothered wondering if something was masculine or not. It helped that I'd always been a little bigger than most of my classmates. Bullies tended to shy away from you the first time you beat them up.

Kerry was tough and adventurous and never gave up. She was about a year older than I was but we ended up in the same year. Throughout our time together she kept her light brown hair short, either something like a bob or in a ponytail. She wore a ton of baseball hats because she didn't like spending any time on styling it and her mom wouldn't let her cut it any shorter.

Her mom was kind of something else, too. If Kerry was a tomboy growing up, then her mother was kind of the epitome of professional femininity. She worked in sales, not the small time local stuff, but as a traveling dealmaker for a paper and office supply company. She signed huge contracts and was pretty busy. Kerry didn't have a father.

To be more specific, Kerry's mom got pregnant, and since she never discussed the father, it was just assumed that it was the result of a one-night stand on the road somewhere. She always acted like Kerry was planned. The town's gossip mongers were pretty brutal, however. Even in the nineties you could still be considered "immoral" as a single mother in a small town.

Naturally this blew back on Kerry. I'm sure the bullies made her cry but she never showed it. For my part I wasn't all that big on fighting on my own behalf but I was more than willing to back her up on the few occasions that she threw down. Most of the time, she was beating up a mouthy girl who didn't expect trouble. Once or twice I may have thrown punches on her behalf when a boy tried to get on her case.

So we grew up together. Best friends. We watched the same cartoons, played Yu-Gi-Oh, beat each other up in fighting games, and generally were just kind of there for one another. It was just a friendship though, until high school. I think everyone, both of our mom's included, expected us to start dating once we hit puberty but we never did. This relieved her mother a great deal, who was very kind to me, but seemed to think that I was not a good romantic match for her girl. We each had our crushes, but on other people. It was a little weird for our various girl/boy friends at first, but it became clear to each of them in turn that we were, in fact, only friends.

Besides, I don't think I'd ever cheat, although I'd been tempted before. I know Kerry wouldn't. She'd had plenty of opportunities that I knew of, lots of handsome guys hit on her once she hit high school. When I asked if she was tempted, she just said, "Sure, but tempted to fuck isn't the same as fucking."

I should probably mention that she was (and still can be) as foul-mouthed as any ten sailors combined, but you just kind of got used to it. You have to understand that at this point in my life I almost never swore. It was something that Kerry teased me mercilessly about, but my mom would never have permitted it and it was easier to be on my best behavior all the time then risk her wrath. Dad was big and yeah he could be scary but I'd take him over an angry church mom any day of the week.

The first time I really noticed her romantically was when we were in middle school, in early spring. We were playing Street Fighter 3 (3rd Strike, of course) and I was beating her ass, as was typical. She dominated me in Mortal Kombat, though.
"Jesus Fucking Christ, are you ever going to stop picking Ryu or Ken?"

I picked Akuma just to mess with her.

"It's not my fault you suck with Makoto," I observed, and then smiled as I narrowly evaded a real arm punch from Kerry.

We played the match, and this time she lost really badly. I looked at her and could tell her heart wasn't in it.

"You want to do something else? I can go home if..."

It was technically my PS2 but it moved back and forth between our houses like we both owned it. She had it now because she wanted to play Resident Evil 4 now that I had beaten it.

She shook her head, and then was silent for about half a minute. I turned the PS2 off and lay back on the carpet in her living room. It was comfortable, like our silence. I knew that she was considering something that she wanted to talk to me about. She took her time and really thought things through. I thought faster maybe, but she had a lot of discipline and foresight for someone her age.

"You want to kiss?" she asked, suddenly.

My eyes shot open, and I turned my head, very slowly, to look at her. She laughed.

"Oh my god you should see your face right now."

"So...you were, what, messing with me?" I was pretty hung up about some things when I was growing up. One of them was being big and looming and girls not being interested in me because of that or my other perceived flaws. It wasn't necessarily true, but it bothered me, and she knew it.

"No! Geez, calm the fuck down...I just meant like...we're friends, right?"

"Right," I answered without hesitation.

"So, if like, I fucked up and wrecked your PS2 by dropping it or whatever, we'd still be friends, right?"

"...Right."

"Right. So I'm supposed to go on a date with this dude next week. I mostly agreed to piss my mom off but he's cute and I kind of want to kiss him."

She looked over at me now, kind of serious. Even in my youthful state I could tell that she was worried about my reaction. We had been best friends since forever, but we hadn't really dated yet, and maybe she thought I'd be jealous.

I wasn't. I was more envious that she had someone to make out with and, honestly, happy for her. She had told me recently that she was worried that she was too butch to be attractive, which was kind of ridiculous. Kerry was always beautiful, like her mother.

"Who is it?" I said, curious.

"Jeff Stevens...don't laugh!" she said, unnecessarily. Jeff was kind of a huge nerd but he was a decent guy as far as I knew, and it wasn't like he was hideous or anything.

"I'm not going to laugh. So...if you're dating him, why do you want to kiss me?"

"Practice. Hear me out. If I fuck this up he may not want to see me again, right? And every time I think about kissing him I get kind of fluttery and nervous and I know I'm going to bite his lip or something stupid and then...ugh. But if we kiss each other and we fuck up, who cares? You'll just make fun of me for being a shit kisser and then tell me what to do better. And I'll do the same for you. You're gonna be making out with some good little church girl soon enough."

I doubted that but as it turned out, she was right. She must have known that Judy, who went to my church, was into me. We were dating by the end of the summer. I ended up asking her out but only after I was assured by Kerry that it would go well.

"Hmm...I guess, if it's not gonna be weird afterwards. I don't want it to be weird."

"No...neither do I...so it won't be."

I didn't quite follow her logic but I was thinking about her lips now, and how soft they looked. She licked them then, nervously, and that only added to their appeal. I wasn't really interested in her as a girlfriend, per se, but I could always imagine she was someone else, like Ibuki from Street Fighter.

She scooted over to me next to me, and I sat up. She leaned in and closed her eyes, I did the same. Our lips touched and at first nothing happened. It was pretty much like we each expected the other to do something. It could have been super awkward. Instead, it was magical.

We both sort of relaxed at once and let ourselves do what came naturally. I pressed into her softness and she pushed back. When she pulled away a little I got the hint that I was being too eager and backed up and slowed down, which brought her back to me. When her tongue darted in my mouth I made a little noise in my throat, involuntarily, and she responded, realizing that it was a good idea. Her tongue explored my mouth and I put my hand to her face, very gently and she leaned into it. We got pretty heated pretty fast. After a few minutes of this, we broke off, breathing very heavily.

"Wow," she whispered, "you are not a bad kisser."

After that we transitioned smoothly to making each other friendship bracelets out of string her mom had bought for her. I made Kerry a blue-green pattern that reminded me of the sea, and she made me one that was red and brown, two of my favorite colors. Like autumn leaves. I still have it in my home office.

Kerry and I kissed a few more times before I went home. We both got a bit worked up, but after that day we didn't kiss for a long time and things returned to normal between us. Mostly.

She dated Jeff for a while and I became friends with him. When they broke up for the summer (he was going out of town and neither of them was interested in waiting), it was largely drama free.

Ironically, most of the time with Kerry was drama free. Just not the really important bits.

Later, during the summer I asked her what dating Jeff was like. I mostly asked out of curiosity. I kind of wondered what girls looked for in a date, having not had a 'real' one yet.

"It was fun. He was nice and laid back," she said and then added, after a moment, "but you are a way better kisser."

That still makes me happy.

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Now - That Lovely Girl

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I arrived home to my mom running out and hugging me as soon as I got out of the car. It was good to see her. She was pushing seventy now but she still stayed busy and moved around perfectly well. If I'd let her she would have tried to carry at least one of my bags in for me. It was just her way.

I got inside, got hugged again, then was poured the customary welcome-home cup of coffee. Now was the only part of being home I really dreaded. At least we got it out of the way early.

"Please don't take this the wrong way, but is Shanon all right with you being gone for so long? You know you're welcome to stay as long as you want, but..."

"We're not together any more, mom."

Mom knew how I felt about her. I think I'd even told her that I was considering proprosing. Her expression was heartbroken on my behalf.

"Oh my goodness. What happened?"

Of course she'd ask the question that she probably didn't want the answer to.

"She cheated on me, mom. She wanted to try again but...I just don't trust her any more."

"I can't believe it! Shanon, cheat on you?"

She sounded so surprised it was almost accusatory. I could almost hear her saying, 'James what did you do to that poor woman to drive her away?' Nothing mom, she just realized I had no value and decided to move on to my scumbag friend.

"Well, believe it," I said, a little more harshly than I meant, "I'm not making it up. It's been...it's been tough. I don't really want to talk about it but I just needed to get away and I thought coming home was a good idea."

"Of course! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be insensitive. I just...you seemed so good together."

"We did," I agreed, "no one was more surprised than me. I just wish...well I wish she would have dumped me earlier. Or better yet, just told me she wasn't serious in the first place. Then we could have at least have ended up friends."

Mom looked a bit perplexed at that last part.

"Oh, honey. She was serious. I'm sure of it. I...I'm not defending her, and I think you were right to break up with her, but I'm sure that at one time she loved you."

I laughed, bitterly.

"Well, that makes one of us. Anyway, I don't want to talk about it right now. I've felt sorry for myself long enough. How's your church stuff going?"

I asked her a ton of questions about her life and got caught up on her and her friends. She was a one-woman force of nature for charities all over town and was a trustee at her church. Even before dad had retired, she'd found a thousand small ways to help her community and insisted that it was selfish because she felt great about giving her time and effort. I wasn't religious, but I respected all of the things that she did.

She brought me leftovers, having already eaten earlier, and some homemade pie, which was naturally delicious. After that I listened to her give me an update of everyone we both knew. One name was conspicuously absent. I didn't ask about Kerry though as it was likely that she was still living on the East Coast with her husband. I'd been thinking about reaching out to her again. Maybe she'd be ok with at least talking on the phone, now that Shanon and I had split. God it would be wonderful to have someone like her to talk to again. I wondered if she had a friend out there who'd taken my place. It was possible, she was very likable. I never found anyone remotely the same, leaving a hole in my life that never quite filled.

I broke out of my own stupor to ask the question that I should have when I first came home.

"How are you doing without dad?"

In some houses this would have been too forward or intrusive. I knew that she wouldn't talk about this aspect of her life without being asked, however. She'd feel like she was inflicting her sadness on me right after I'd lost Shanon. Really though, that was a big part of why I was home, to remind her that she still had family and that she wasn't alone.

She smiled, sadly and reached out for my hand. I took it.

"I'm...I don't know. He would still travel quite a bit, even after going into partial retirement, but the trips were shorter and I went along sometimes. We were spending a great deal of time together. It was real, quality time, too. I never really got a chance to tell you about it, but the last years between us had been wonderful. I miss him. I reach for him every morning when I wake up."

"I'm glad things were better at the end. I'm sorry I wasn't around more for it."

He and I really didn't see eye to eye all that much. My father was, I suppose, a kind man. He treated mom well, mostly. But he neglected her too. She knew it, and it was in the background of our conversation now. She also knew that he made very little time for me. He was well-liked in the community, worked his way up to being an executive at a regional company that sold industrial equipment all over the world. He never had any trouble making new friends, but for whatever reason there was always a coldness to him with me. A reluctance to attend my performances at school or sporting events. Thankfully my mom didn't share that reluctance.

By the time I went to college I had given up on having a close relationship with him. Don't get me wrong, we weren't awful to each other. We didn't fight except for some pretty standard teen rebellion. He was just distant from mom sometimes, and me almost always.

The only part that hurt was seeing him behave as something of a mentor to other kids, my friends included. He was better to Kerry about helping her pick a college then he was with me. He liked having her around and thought that we were a good influence on each other. Hell, he even asked me if I was going to go to the same university as her. I don't want to give you the impression that he was weird with her, it was just like...like he saw something more when he saw us hanging out together. A thing that didn't quite exist, but maybe should have. I didn't understand it, but Kerry didn't have a father figure at home so I was more than happy to share mine.

Mom wasn't as big on us at first. She never told me or even hinted to me that I should stay away from Kerry. She was kind to my best friend too. It really wasn't until we both hit our teens that mom warmed up to her. I think it helped that we were so natural and supportive of each other without ever crossing over to being romantic.

Well, that she knew of, anyway.

After a while I went and took a shower and started getting ready for bed. I generally wasn't a person who stayed up very late, but I was shockingly tired for it being only 8 o'clock. I blamed the travel but I should have been more aware. Depression makes you tired, and this was builting into a big one. If I'd been paying attention, I could have felt it settling on me like poisonous smog.

I woke up on Saturday feeling a bit better. Not precisely well, but relaxed. I saw that my phone had a new voicemail from a number that I didn't recognize. There were texts as well. I looked at one of them.

Please stop ignoring me. We need to talk about this.

Fuck. I blocked that number too. I was shocked that she'd go to these lengths. It may not seem like much to use a different phone when your primary one was blocked, but Shanon was very much about respecting the decisions of others. I guess that didn't apply to exes.

In any case, I figured she just wanted me to forgive her, or listen to a long-winded explanation. I wasn't really into that. I got dressed and went downstairs.

Mom hadn't made breakfast, not exactly, but she had gotten some of her home-made granola out with plain yogurt. I know how that sounds, but her granola was not what you buy at stores. She used plenty of honey and berries, and it was amazing. I smiled and hugged her.

"Did you sleep well?" she asked as she passed me a cup of her patented strong black coffee.

"Yeah. Thanks. Are you working today?"

She was already up and dressed and that usually meant that she had some volunteer work.

"Yes. I hope that's ok. I can cancel some of my normal things if you want...it wouldn't be a big deal."

I shook my head. My plans for the weekend mostly included wandering the neighborhood and town, visiting my dad's grave, and trying not to think of Shanon. I didn't want to disrupt my mom's work, in any case.

"Nah. I'll see you later this evening. You're going to be sick of me by the time the holidays are over."

"Never. I'm just so happy to have you around for a few months. It will be wonderful."

As I drank my coffee and read the news on my phone, she got ready with her typical speed.

"All right, I'm off. Have a great day, and try to relax a bit, all right? Love you"

"I will. Love you to."

She was halfway out the door when she stopped, hesitating.

"You know, that lovely girl got divorced recently. She's staying with her mother."

Then she was gone. I sat there, coffee halfway to my mouth, frozen. Only the sound of the car starting and driving away woke me from my daze.

Jesus mom, way to drop the mic on your way out.

'That lovely girl' was how my mom referred to Kerry. It always had been. When I had been in elementary school, it might have had a cold edge to it, but around middle school it became a term of genuine affection and warmth. It was truly how mom thought of Kerry: lovely on the inside and out.

I didn't have anything like a current number for Kerry, and we weren't friends on Facebook or anything, so I had no idea how to reach her. I could just drop by her mom's house. No, that seemed a bit too presumptuous. I'd ask my mother for details tonight, and then I'd reach out if it seemed appropriate.

I distracted myself in the morning by raking the leaves, cleaning the front and back yards and filling around ten large bags. I'd have to do it again before Thanksgiving but I didn't mind. It was worth it for all the oaks that grew in our yard.

After that I just went for a walk. I let myself wander, taking in the old sights and sounds. I stopped by an old diner for lunch, ate a decent Reuben and some truly excellent lemon meringue, and then went to the cemetery. There was only one in town, and it wasn't exactly well maintained. I would clean up dad's grave if I had to, bringing my own tools if needed.

When I got there, however, it was spotless. Someone had definitely cleaned it recently, probably mom. The other graves had old flowers on them, tiny flags which had gone to tatters, and even some beer cans. Speaking of flowers, there was a rose on his headstone. Just one. Yeah, I guess mom had definitely been here recently. It was still nice to visit, in any case. It was quiet here, and the same river that ran by the downtown ran behind the cemetery, making it seem like a part of life instead of opposed to it.

I stopped by the grocery store on the way home and got some basics to make pasta and salad, as well as a six-pack, which frankly felt like some required medicine after last week. Then I watched college football, napped, and got up in time to make dinner by the time mom walked in, all smiles.

"You didn't have to clean the yard or make dinner. You're supposed to be on vacation!"

"This is vacation," I said, laughing. "No meetings or arguments over edits or corrections. No getting badgered to contribute to yet another textbook. Just sweat and distraction. Its perfect."

She got cleaned up and we ate. We talked about nothing important, mostly I listened to her explain the food drive that she'd been working on and the kind of people that they'd been helping. Eventually she asked me about my day, and I told her about visiting dad's grave. Before I could say anything specific, mom surprised me.

"I'm glad you visited. I still can't without breaking down, but I try to get out there once a month. Is the site all right? They let things get so bad there sometimes."

I decided not to get too specific. If she hadn't kept it in shape then who had?

"Yeah. It's actually quite nice."

"Good. I feel awful about it, but I don't want to be a mess in public."

After I cleared the table I did the dishes. I intended to be at least somewhat useful while I was around. I knew I'd find mom in her favorite chair reading in the living room. It was how she preferred to spend her evenings if there was nothing going on with her circle of friends. I decided to do the same but on our ancient but comfortable couch.

I couldn't help but think of the last time I'd been on it with Kerry. My rather heated memory was interrupted by my mother.

"So. Did you visit her house today?"

"I'm sorry. Who are you talking about?"

She snorted.

"Don't play dumb with me, young man. Did you go by Kerry's house? I know that her mother still lives there and that she moved back after the divorce finalized."

I would always be 'young man' to her when I was misbehaving. Never mind that I was officially in my thirties now.

"I didn't. It seemed...I don't know. Presumptuous."

Mom lowered her book at looked at me over her glasses.

"Why would you ever think that? You two were close. Her mother asks about you when we run into each other. You'd be welcome there just like Kerry would be here."

"She stopped talking to me. Well, I mean, she's not ignoring me, but once she got married and I met Shanon, she never really wanted to talk for more than a minute or two. I stopped reaching out. It felt like I was bothering her."

This was the second topic that I didn't want to discuss, and the other way to immediately bring back my depression. Losing my ability to connect with Kerry was almost as bad as if I had to go to her funeral, just dragged out longer. In my head it was further proof of my lack of value. I tried not to dwell on it.

"I don't know why she did. Maybe she was trying to save her marriage. I can tell you that she doesn't that know you're in town, though."

"Why is that?"

"Because if she did, she'd be on my doorstep in twenty minutes, asking me if you were here, just like old times. If you don't trust your judgement, then trust mine. Go see her tomorrow."
I disagreed with her optimistic assessment, but then again, I knew I was feeling down, and was probably not thinking entirely straight about such things. I sighed.

"All right, I'll head over tomorrow afternoon."

The rest of the night was peaceful, the sound of the autumn wind making me feel lonesome but nostalgic as I drifted off to sleep.

I woke up the next morning to five new voicemails. Five. No texts at least. I thought about listening but the idea made me feel nauseous. I showered and dressed and went downstairs.

Mother, in her infinite mercy and wisdom, had not asked me to go to church with her but rather had let me sleep in. It was close to eleven now, and I knew she had a standing lunch with a few other couples afterwards so I'd be on my own. I ate a muffin that she'd left for me, then I decided to stop hesitating and just walk over to Kerry's.

I realized that I was being a coward by arriving around lunchtime. I thought that if I ran into her and she was eating, I could just drop my number off and she'd call me if she wanted. No fighting and limited awkwardness. I knew her and her mother weren't church people, but if they went out to eat somewhere I could leave a note or something. That seemed like the best possible option to me. In my mind, Kerry had already coldly told me that she really didn't have the time to talk and I was preparing myself for the long walk back home.

The way was beautiful, though. The gray skies, traditional this time of year, had cleared enough so deep blue was visible. The trees were vibrant and shook in the gentle breeze. It was chill enough that I was glad I wore a sweater but not truly cold. I decided to take the "fast" way over.

Instead of taking streets like civilized people Kerry and I used to cut through two small parks and some unincorporated land that had an old ruined factory on it. It was older and even more decayed, but still there. The path brought back many memories. Running back and forth, getting caught in the rain, holding hands in our junior year as we strolled together, before excitedly making out or more at one of our houses or even in a secluded part of the park.

I arrived entirely too quickly. I couldn't believe how sweaty my palms were. The two-story yellow house was not large, but certainly not downscale. It had clearly been repainted lately, and there was a new heating and cooling unit outside, so hopefully her mom was doing well.

I knocked. I waited for what was probably half a minute, but felt like hours. The door opened. It wasn't Kerry but her mother. For a moment, I thought that I must have made a terrible mistake by coming here.

Kerry's mother looked well. I knew, of course, that her first name was Judith but even then I'd have had a hard time calling her that. When she saw me, though, her reaction almost made me stammer an apology and leave. Her face turned from one of general welcome to shock and then an intense sadness. It happened fast but I'm sure that I didn't make a mistake. For a moment she closed her eyes, and when she opened them again, she was smiling. I was relieved. It was real happiness to see me, the kind of positive surprise that is very hard to fake.

"James. It's so good to see you. I'm sorry for the way I must have looked a moment ago, I was just...well going over some old pictures and they brought back memories."

She stepped out and hugged me, looking me over. I don't know if she had been looking at pictures or not but I wasn't going to push. I was just grateful to be accepted.

"It's good to see you to, uh, Judith. You look amazing. Sorry for just dropping by."

She really did look great. She was just wearing jeans and an old t-shirt, but even in her early fifties she'd turn heads almost anywhere. Her hourglass figure was timeless and her eyes were piercing.

"You look great, too. You never did let your appearance slip, like so many men do when they hit a certain age. And you never, ever need to apologize or call first. You're family here, you know that. But I know why you're here, and unfortunately Kerry isn't here," she must have seen my disappointment, because she quickly added, "but she should be back later this evening. You could leave your number or you could just come back around seven-ish?"

Even after the greeting I had gotten, I didn't really want to surprise my old friend. I wanted to give her a chance to avoid me if that was what she truly wanted.

"Let me just give you my number. She can call if she wants to hang out. I'm going to be in town through the holidays, so she doesn't have to rush."

We chatted for a bit. Judith told me that she'd been promoted to director of midwestern sales, which pleased me. She did work very hard and I'd overheard some of her more intense phone conversations with her superiors and irritated customers. After a few pleasant moments and sharing some of the exiting world of textbook writing and editing, she smiled at me knowingly and disappeared inside. She showed back up with a paperback book and a pen.

"If you're going to talk about what kind of work you do, you should at least share some of the more exciting things. Can I get this autographed?"

She handed me the book and I almost laughed out loud. My mother must have told her. It was something I had written, the first of a series of books. Historical adventure/romance with a bit of horror. I really enjoyed writing them but there was no way they would support me so they were just a hobby, at best. They had a small but devoted following and decent reviews. I honestly never thought I'd run into a reader in my hometown, even if my mom had probably given her a copy.

"Oh god. I can't believe you'd read this guy," I said, signing my name with a little flourish and writing a note about how kind Judith had always been to me, "I hear that he's kind of a jackass."

She laughed, and it was a delightful noise.

"A published author and he swears now! Will wonders never cease?"

I laughed too and handed the book and pen back to her. As I turned to leave, she spoke again.

"James."

"Yes?"

"She really is going to want to see you. I don't know why you're so worried, but I can see that you are. Don't be. You...you both have been through a lot over the last year. Her with the divorce and you with your father. I think you would be good for each other. Like old times."

I smiled at the thought.

"Like old times," I said, wondering if she suspected what that meant to me.

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Then - Hidden Signs

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Middle school ended and Kerry and I became freshmen together. She really started applying herself to sports, paying serious attention to her performance on the soccer field and basketball. I was not a sports guy, but I stayed in shape and I worked out with her sometimes, and helped her run drills when she needed. We both became more serious about our grades, and I started to write for the first time, which became a lifelong habit. Naturally, Kerry was my first reader and critic.

We didn't mean to, but we grew closer. When Kerry broke up with her second boyfriend, Mark, she was messed up for a while. They went out for dinner and fought over something small. Now in an uncomfortable silence, they took a shortcut through a local park, which was deserted at night. About halfway back he tried to kiss her, and she wasn't interested. He grabbed her arm, hard, and pushed her down onto the grass. He might have done worse if a jogger hadn't seen them and run over.

It hit her hard, knowing what kind of guy she was seeing. She had almost certainly been in love with Mark, although I never heard her use the word. She broke up with him over the phone and told him to leave her alone. He kept after her for a while at school, so I told him, a little more firmly. After his nose stopped bleeding he was much more agreeable.

I dated Judy and then broke up with her after I found out she was chatting with some other dude on MSN Messenger. It wasn't anything major, really, and I wasn't into her that much. We both grew up a little and were friends by the end of high school.

I guess its important to mention because it was the first time I remember feeling betrayed by a girl. It's not fair to apply the actions of one person to a group, I know, but after it happens a few times, it gets harder. Every time, I was tempted to try and feel bad about women in general, I reminded myself that was how jackasses thought, and I remembered people like my mom. And, of course, Kerry.

After Judy came two other girls. The first was a really lovely girl who just wanted to make out. We broke up mutually after a few months when I met Beth. Beth and I were together until late fall and were pretty serious until her parents moved in mid-winter.

When Kerry broke up with Mark I was there for her. I held her while she cried, let her sleep at my house when she felt unsafe, and listened to her just talk the whole thing out. When I felt betrayed my Judy, Kerry listened to me vent and then offered to beat her up for me. I declined but it was a nice offer. When Beth left I was much more of a sad wreck, and she listened to me then too, but more than that, she was just there. I don't know how to describe it, except that I needed someone to be around and she was, as much or as little as I needed, no questions asked.

We didn't mean to, but we grew a lot closer. I don't think there was anything that I wouldn't have shared with her by the start of Sophomore year, and I certainly never thought that she'd hold anything back from me. I write that now and I still think it holds true. I'm just less naive than I once was.

The day that I should have been smarter was in early fall, sophomore year. I'd just gotten my first flip phone (a state of the art Nokia Razr) as a "back to school" gift from my dad so I was super excited to get a call on it. I assumed that it was yet another guilt-gift for basically never being around. I'd long given up on having a close relationship with him, so I just decided to appreciate it.

The first call I got was my mom reminding me to get some milk on the way home later that night. I learned early on that the price of this phone was that I became mom's errand boy. It was well worth it.

The second call I got was from Kerry. She spoke calmly, acting as if it was no big deal, but I could hear it. She had the same kind of tremor in her voice that she had when Mark had tried to hurt her. She asked if I could come over if I wasn't too busy. I had plans that night to hang out with some friends of mine and go see a movie, but I cancelled them without telling her. I didn't push over the phone but I just knew that whatever she called about was important, at least to her. So it was important to me too.

She let me in the door and then she hugged me. We had never shied away from physical affection, and we cuddled on the couch when we watched movies or whatever. That alarmed her mom and my dad, respectively, but once they saw that we never really did anything other than that, they stopped making a thing out of it. All that being said, Kerry was not and is not a hugger. At least not as a greeting, so that made me more worried.

"Thanks for coming."

Her voice was soft, her ebullience muted and replaced with a somberness. She couldn't meet my eyes.

Her mom wasn't home so we just went and sat on the couch together. She wasn't ready to speak so I just handed her the chocolate bar that I'd picked up for her on the way over. She just stared at it for a long moment, and then opened it and had a bite before offering me some. I declined, as it looked like she needed the whole thing.

"I can't believe how well you know me. I fucking call you and tell you it's no big deal and you show up with chocolate. I shouldn't ever try to keep anything from you. It's pointless."

"What's up?" I said, finally. Internally I was going a little nuts. I mean, she looked like she was hurting pretty badly and I didn't know why so my depressive writer's brain was making up all sorts of scenarios, each one worse than the last. I didn't guess it, as it turns out.

"I...I don't know if I can talk about it. I know how ridiculous that sounds, calling you here and then acting like a fucking diva, but...the thing is, it's not really my secret to tell. So I don't think I can share it. Not yet anyway. Are you ok with that?"

"Um. Yeah. I can just be here if you need me to. But you know you can tell me anything."

She just smiled, sadly. I put my arm around her and she just leaned into me, almost limp, completely vulnerable. We just sat there for probably a half hour, occasionally saying something to each other but mostly remaining silent. The light outside started to turn that beautiful orange that only seems to exist in your hometown in autumn. When she spoke, she did so hesitantly.

"Do you...do you think something good can come from something bad?"

"Like what?"

"Like...say someone steals something. A car or something big. And they do it knowing its wrong, and they don't feel bad or stop. But then his brother borrows the car to get his wife to the hospital or something. If he didn't have it she wouldn't have made it. God, that is the worst analogy ever."

"No, I think I see what you're getting at. The first guy still did something wrong, but that doesn't mean that his brother did. Especially if he didn't know where the car came from."

Although I wasn't telling her what I thought she wanted to hear, this seemed to brighten her mood a little. But she frowned again.

"But what if, like, it hurt someone, too. Maybe more than one person. What if it hurt you or your mom, for example?"

"Ok, you're losing me. Do you mean like someone kills us and then steals my mom's car or something?"

She laughed.

"No...like say that someone...I dunno, beat you and your mom up, then took your car and gave it to me. I don't know where it came from, and I use it to drive you to school and we become great friends because of it. Is the second thing still good? Or is it ruined because of the first?"

I was totally fucking lost.

"How would I not know you were driving me to school in my own car?"

"Oh my god, I don't know, because we fucking re-painted it or something. In any case, I didn't know it was yours so it was repainted before I got it. Am...am I bad for driving the car?"

It was, for me an easy answer.

"No. Of course not."

"What if...if the thief broke your leg? Or like put your mom in a coma...or..."

I held up my hand to stop her. She was actually looking like she might panic for a minute.

"Even if I died, you'd still be fine. You didn't know, and you were just driving a car. I don't know what this is about but I don't think someone else's sins can fall on you. I mean, the bible says something about it but the bible says a lot of things."

She wasn't religious but I still was.

"It's...its just something that someone in my family did, a while ago. And I didn't know about it, but it really bothered me. Because...he's...they're my ancestor, you know? And if I resulted from that and...wouldn't that make me bad, too?"

"I don't see how. Your like the most perfect girl I know."

I realized right after I said it how it sounded. I hadn't meant it like a romantic thing, just a statement of fact. Of all the girls I knew, she was pretty, smart, and a really good person. It made sense in my head. I was all ready to explain it away when I saw her face.

At first there was a little shock at what I'd said, then a small smile. That was pretty much what I expected. She was used to the way I spoke, and I tried to be very honest with her about almost everything. After that, though, her eyes got really big and her smile went away. There was something a lot like grief in them. Grief in something she'd lost? Or couldn't have? Over something I represented to her? I didn't know. It went away, to be replaced with what I came to think of as her adoring smile. It was in fact the first time I'd ever seen it, and I didn't really understand it. But she wasn't sad or worried, so I was happy.

Then we hugged again, on that couch. The couch that I have so many memories of, before, but especially after this day. The hug lasted too long, but neither of us let go. I was aware of her small breasts pressed against me, and the heat of her body. And then I leaned in and kissed her. For a moment she seemed to be on the verge of pushing me away, stopping me. I thought I'd gone over a line, was ready to apologize, but then she responded. And it was amazing.

It was just like the first time, except both of us were more experienced. If anything, we ebbed and flowed naturally, like we were made for each other, for this very moment. We made out for only a little while this time, but our hands roamed a little. Mine went as far as her ass, and she didn't stop me or complain. Hers ended up tangled in my hair and around my neck. I was pretty much ready for anything in the moment, but she drew back and put her hand on my chest, I stopped. I was worried that she'd be mad but instead she smiled warmly at me.

"That felt nice. Thank you."

It was as sudden as a summer storm and over just as quickly. We looked at each other and then just broke out in laughter. It lasted for a few minutes. I don't know what exactly possessed us in the moment, but by the time I left that night, we were back to pretty much normal. Again, I think we were closer, but neither of us really talked about it, nor was there any awkwardness between us or any attempt us to go farther. For my part, I really didn't want to ruin what we had and I already had my eye on a girl in my history class. I noticed that Kerry was a bit less physical in how she showed me affection for a few weeks, but after that she was cuddling on the couch with me again. I thought of the incident as an aberration. A very emotional moment where we connected. That's all.

I should have asked her again later what she was talking about. I should have asked myself why, after being pretty active in the dating scene for a few years by then, she just stopped going out with guys at all. Instead, I didn't ask any questions at all.

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Now - Reunited

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I grabbed a sandwich from the only deli in town and then walked home, trying to contain the feeling of anticipation that threatened to break out into pure optimism since I knew for sure that Kerry was in town. Despite what her mother had said, I didn't believe that she wanted to see me. I expected a polite, if distant, call, and maybe meeting for lunch at some point. I knew that I would take any opportunity to see her, though, even if it left me feeling a bit down.

When I got home I decided to keep myself busy. There were a number of small things that needed doing around the house. I knew that mom was probably making a list and intended to hire a handyman to do all of it at once. I could save her a bit of money at least. I walked around and made my own list of things that I might need from the hardware store. When that was done I got my dad's tools and started working on things that I could fix right away.

I fixed some bad wiring in a light fixture in the hallway. I took a wobbly end table out to the garage and tightened and braced one leg. I cleaned the filter on the dishwasher. I was busy changing the filter and cleaning other parts of her central air and heating when she got home.

As I expected, she made me stop but was happy. She'd brought me some food as well and I was surprised to be hungry already.

After I ate I was sitting on the porch and thinking of working out when my phone rang.

It was a number that I didn't recognize. I was so looking forward to hearing from Kerry that I answered the phone without thinking about it. It was not her.
"Hello," I said, my voice upbeat.

"James? Oh god finally. I'm sorry but I just...please hear me out..."

"Shanon," I said, flatly. I couldn't believe how stupid I was.

"Look, can't we talk? I know...I know I fucked up, ok? I know, but if we could just meet...I know we can work this out..."

She was desperate in a way that I had never heard before. I didn't really understand why. We were done and she had the guy she wanted.

"Why are you doing this, Shanon?"

"Because...because we had something. We have something. I love you. I do...and if you give me a chance I'll prove to you that I'm still..."

"How does Gary feel about you calling me?"

"I'm not seeing him any more. I cut things off. I did it for us. I don't want him...I never did."

"Then why did you fuck him, Shanon? I'm not trying to be cruel, I'm really not. There's just no way I can trust you anymore. You have to know that."

I could hear her crying now. In my mind's eye I could even see her trying to control herself. She hated crying in front of people, it made her feel like she was manipulating them.

"Please...James, I...just meet me for coffee. I'll do..."

"I'm not even in town, Shanon. I'm sorry for the things I said. I truly am. I was hurt and I hurt you. That's how I am. I believe that we had something, but it's broken. If we stayed together, I'd never trust you and you'd resent me and it would end the same way."

"James, I...I just..."

"Talk to someone, Shanon. Just not me. I can't take this. It hurts and I can't take it. I hope that you have a good life. Please don't call me again."

I hung up. Fuck. I felt like a wreck, exactly the same as I had right after she had told me that she'd cheated on me. I would have told her that but it just would have hurt her more, and I no longer wanted revenge. I only wanted to feel better, like before I knew.

No. Even then, I wasn't completely fulfilled. Maybe it was selfish, but I wanted to feel like I used to. Like Kerry made me feel when she looked at me with that simple, adoring, smile.

I heard a noise and saw that mom was looking at me through the screen door. I offered her a wan smile by way of greeting.

"I'm sorry. I came to ask if you'd like some tea and I overheard the end of that. Are you ok?"

I sighed. She could be intrusive if she thought she could help, so this was downright restrained of her.

"No, but I will be. And yeah, I'd love some tea, thank you. Whatever you're having will be good."

Instead of working out, I went inside, got my laptop and did some writing at the kitchen table. If I couldn't have what I wanted then I'd drink my tea and write some escapist trash. My world of fancy, at least, was a place that I didn't feel like this. I didn't even really exist there, I just observed the characters that I wrote, doing the things they did. I even wrote it in third-person so I could keep my distance when bad things happened. When I, the cruel god of this world, hurt them, I could sit back and congratulate them on their ability to survive and grow, without having to feel what they did or feeling responsible for the awful things in their lives. Maybe I'd kill some of them today.

After an hour or so I realized that instead I'd written my main characters something like a good ending. Not a perfect ride off into the sunset, but people who had been hurt by each other or by chance were recovering, finding each other. I couldn't even hurt the people that I'd made up without giving them a chance to be happy. I wondered what kind of psychopath the creator of our world was, to give so many people such bad endings.

I wasn't truly religious anymore, but I believed in some things still. Just not in things that would help those in need. I felt tired from the catharsis, like I'd actually walked alongside them. And, to be honest, a little better too. The odd cast of light in the room let me know that I'd been at it for longer than I'd thought, and that twilight had arrived. I was just thinking how I needed to get the hell outside of my head for a bit when a loud knocking made me jump.

It was at the back door, which was right off of the kitchen. I took a deep breath and stood up, wondering who would use the back door on a Sunday. Knowing that my mother was most likely napping in her room, I decided just to answer it.

Her light brown hair was is in a long ponytail. She was wearing a large earthy red sweater that was loose but hugged her curves and hung low over her waist. Tight, worn jeans completed the ensemble. Her eyes were still that sharp blue and there was an eager little smile on her face, familiar to me as my own. Her ears and face were a bit red from the wind that had picked up in the afternoon and I thought that she should have worn a hat.

"Hey," Kerry said, as though it were over a decade ago and she was just coming over to play some Street Fighter.

I just stood there and blinked for a moment. Her smile went away and her brow furrowed. I saw a duplicate of my own fear of rejection looking back at me. I came back to myself.

Instinctively, perhaps foolishly, I just stepped out and hugged her. She hugged me back, hard. Feeling her warmth against me was, even more than stepping into my old house, like coming home. I finally let her go, but I didn't want to. We stepped back and I was grinning and her smile had come back far wider than before. We were somehow holding each other's hands, but I didn't remember doing that.

"It's good..." I started.

"Yeah. It really is," she said.

"Come on inside, you must be freezing. You want tea? Coffee?"

"I'd like an Irish coffee but something tells me that your mom doesn't have any single malt laying around."

"No, not even communion wine, but we do have some really great fair trade Kenyan blend."

"That sounds great."

I got the coffee out and started the water. This was a french press house, so I had to grind it first. Kerry watched me as I worked. She made no attempt to hide it and it didn't make me self-conscious. If I hadn't been focusing on my task then I'd have been staring at her openly as well.

I turned around and leaned against the counter while we waited for the water to boil. I wanted to walk over just to be closer to her but I resisted. She seemed to want to reconnect right now and I didn't want to ruin anything by being overly eager.

"When did you get back?" she asked.

"Friday night."

She actually looked a little upset.

"You didn't come over on Saturday?"

I couldn't help but chuckle a little.

"I didn't want to just rush over there like a dork. I'd just gotten in and I wasn't even sure you'd be there."

"Didn't your mom say I'd be around?"

"Um. She might have said something like that. To...to be honest, I wasn't sure that you would want to see me. And I didn't want to deal with that right now."

"Why would you think I wouldn't want to see you?"

"The last two years are what made me think that you wouldn't want to see me."

It was a little more direct than I intended and I'm sure that I came off a little harshly, but it was true. She stopped for a minute and looked down at her hands.

"I'm sorry. I know I haven't been a good friend. Things were...well, complex. Can we leave it at that for now? If you still want to know, ask me after I've had something to drink, ok?"

"Fair enough," I said, sighing. "How are you holding up? I mean, after the divorce?"

I expected more frowns but I got a laugh, slightly bitter.

"James, I'm holding up great. I'm stuck here right now, but I'm out of that house, and he's out of my life. Really, seeing you today is the trifecta of awesome."

"I'm sorry that things didn't work out, even if I am benefiting from you being here."

"Thank you. It's not like he's the worst person. He just wasn't who he led me to believe that he was. And when I realized it, we were tied together financially, had a house, and I felt like leaving would be like admitting defeat somehow. I'm so glad we didn't have kids. It would have made this all worse."

"What happened? If it's ok to ask."

"It is. He liked to spend money on women that weren't me. Oh, and fuck them, too, although by the end that was less of a concern. It would all bother me more, but I still have a job, and I'm out of debt, so I consider it a win. Really, if I compare this year to the last five, I'm on an upward trend."

"What a fucking dick," I said, feeling my face grow hot, "I can't believe that he'd do that to you."

I'd never been a guy who was interested in more than one woman at a time, and I really disliked cheating. And of course, I had a hard time seeing any situation in which I'd cheat on someone like Kerry.

"Of course you can't. Because you never would. Also my mom was right, you are swearing now."

There was a trace of the old adoring smile there. It disappeared quickly and I wanted it back. She went on.

"Where's Shanon? Is she not visiting this time?"

There was anxiety, an edge to her voice.

"No. Not ever again, either. We broke up."

"Oh. I'm...actually really surprised. What happened? I mean if you don't want to talk about it..."

"Nah. Its still fresh but I'm not keeping it a secret, at least not from you. She fucked one of my friends."

"Holy fuck, James. What a fucking bitch."

"I mean, she was so...so honest, so straight-forward. I never would have expected it. I probably wouldn't even have known if she hadn't told me. Granted, she did a bad job of it, but still."

I found myself wanting to defend Shanon still.

"How did she tell you? Did you get a text?"

"No. She showed up after work with the guy she was sleeping with and 'they' confessed everything. I know that it wasn't his idea. He'd have just kept it up because she's hot and he'd always wanted to fuck her."

"What the fuck is wrong with her? Oh my god I can't believe this!"

"You seem more upset about this than about your ex-husband cheating on you."

"Well, believe it or not I've had some distance on that. I was super-pissed at the time, and it was ugly, but none of them were...were my friends. That's really low, James. She has to know that. Did she even apologize?"

"Yeah. I told her to get out. That we were through, but I think she must have known that already. She's still fucking calling and texting. I blocked her but she just uses different numbers. I don't know why she's bothering. I'm glad you just showed up, honestly. I didn't want to risk answering again."

"Mom told me you were here so I dropped by on my way back from helping someone move. She obviously wants to work things out with you. Do...do you want to get back with her?"

"A part of me does. A stupid, masochistic, part of me that remembers all the good we had together. The rest of me also remembers the fights we had and the distance that was coming between us. A lot of that was my fault, but we're very different people, cheating aside, and I think it would just end with us really hating each other."

"It's not stupid to want to go back to her."

I laughed.

"Are you saying you approve?"

She looked away from me.

"N..no. I'm just saying. Its obvious she wants you back. And, you know..."

She trailed off into an uncomfortable silence. It was odd, to say the least. A second ago I was sure that Kerry would have beat the crap out of Shanon, and now, she seemed to be encouraging me to try again.

The kettle whistled, making both of us jump. We looked at each other and laughed. I put the water on the coffee and brought the press and the cups to the table, where I sat on the side of the table, close to her but not right beside her, like I really wanted to be.

Her face had a few lines on it, but I wouldn't call them wrinkles. She still looked much younger than someone in her thirties, at least to me. Maybe to me she'd always be that beautiful teenager that I'd fallen in love with. Her eyes were still amazing.

"Stop it," she said, laughing, "you're embarrassing me."

"Are you blushing?"

"No!"

"You totally are! You're blushing!"

"Only because you're looking at me like a weirdo."

"Yeah, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be a creeper, I just..."

She grew serious.

"You just what?"

It reminded me of a different time, when I'd told the truth and been rewarded for it. Then I had simply been too stunned to lie. Now I told it on purpose.

"I'm just amazed at how beautiful you are. I probably always will be."

She leaned over the corner of the table and kissed me, smooth and fast. I knew exactly how she wanted me to respond and I did. The kiss lingered, but didn't intensify. We kept at it for a little while, then broke off, just looking at each other, in the eyes, inches apart. I was aware that she was breathing more heavily. Who knows where that would have gone if I hadn't heard my mom making a polite noise.

I didn't feel bad about being 'caught,' per se. We were both adults who'd known each other from childhood, and it didn't seem like my mother was surprised or disapproved of us being romantically involved. Kerry jumped back so hard she almost tipped her chair over, which would have been funny if not for the fear on her face, which I found pretty confusing.

"I didn't mean to interrupt," mom said, "I walked in just a moment ago."

"Oh god," Kerry said, "I am so sorry. I just, um..."

"Its fine, dear. At my age I'm not going to start judging two adults for taking comfort in each other."

I don't think either of us expected her to say that.

"Can I get some of that coffee? Then I'll leave you two alone to catch up."

I poured for all of us. Mom wanted hers black as midnight, I used cream, and Kerry liked a ton of milk and sugar in hers. Mom nodded and left, and for a bit we drank our coffee in silence.

"That is just so embarrassing," Kerry said, softly.

"Really? I mean I know when we were kids we kept everything a secret, but now...it just seems odd. Mom made sure I knew that you were in town, she was definitely encouraging me to see you. Hell, your mom seemed to be encouraging me too. If I didn't know any better I'd think that they were conspiring together."

Kerry's eyebrows shot up.

"No. That would just be...too weird. I mean, not that I would mind, its just. Ugh. Can we just say it's a lot to take in right now and change the subject?"

"Sure. You want to get out of here and go for a walk after this?"

"Oh god yes. I don't think I could look your mom in the eye right now."

Kerry's odd embarrassment aside, we finished our coffee and left into the early evening. It was dark already, and the wind made the leaves rustle in the trees. The smell of fall was everywhere.

As we strolled down the little residential street, I reached out and took her hand. She squeezed it and then leaned into my arm, like she used to.

"It's nice just to be here with you, like this."

"Yeah."

"So are we going steady again?"

"Going steady? I don't know," I said with false reticence, "we did just meet...I don't want to seem easy..."

"This is true, but your mom saw us kiss. That has to mean something."

"Speaking of which, why did you get so embarrassed?"

Kerry froze for a moment as I walked a few more steps forward.

"I just...I guess I was still used to us being friends-only in public..."

"I mean, I could understand the secrecy from back in the day. We'd been friends for so long and our parents trusted us and it might have been weird, and we didn't want them separating us or preventing us from being alone together. But now? Are you ashamed to be with me?"

Her expression turned to shock, her eyes wide and earnest.

"No! Never that...just...you know, give me some time, ok? I wouldn't have any trouble being out with you anywhere. In front of my friends or anyone. Its just...well its weird to do in front of your mom. But I won't be weird about it any more, ok? I'll be open. Hell, I'll go on Facebook and change my status if you want me to..."

"That's not necessary. It just used to worry me, when we were kids. Even when we were so close. Even when my dumb teenaged brain wanted to run off and get married with you. I was always a little worried that it was a joke, or that I was just someone to fill the time, and that I was a secret because you were ashamed to be with me."

"No, James. Never. I...I should never have made you keep us secret."

I shook my head.

"Don't feel guilty. I'm talking about what I feel, not what others make me feel. I've had a long time to deal with...that voice."

"That voice?"

"Sorry. That's what I've taken to calling my depression. Its been worse in the last few years, but its under control. I don't think you ever meant to hurt me, not really."

She smiled, warmly, and took my arm again. We started walking in the dark.

"Good. Because to be truthful, I was proud to be your girlfriend. I just didn't want to mess us up."

I believed her. I had to. She was the dawn to the night that my life had become.

We told each other about our lives, our accomplishments, our small victories and minor defeats. Falling into old habits, we took the old route back to her house. Soon we found ourselves at her door.

"You, um, want to come in? Mom flew out tonight and won't be back until tomorrow at the earliest."

Kerry had a small mischievous smile on her face. How could I resist?

"Of course. Maybe we could order some pizza or something, I'm actually pretty hungry."

"If you're ok with it I can make us like a Caesar Salad or something. I do the dressing from scratch."

She must have seen my eyebrows go up. Kerry was never much of a cook. She chuckled as we went in.

"Come on," she said, "if you can become a published historical author, then surely I could have learned some basic culinary skills."

"My apologies," I said, taking my coat off, "my surprise was not meant to offend."

"I have some ideas about how you can make it up to me later..."

Kerry went up on her toes and we kissed again. This time there was no table to prevent her small body from pressing into mine and no one to walk in on us. Her hands were on my back and ass and things intensified quickly. I was starting to kiss her on the neck when she pushed me away. I was already very hard and now a little frustrated. She had a little teasing smile on her lips.

"Patience. You can't have dessert until you finish your salad."

"This is revenge for all the times I used to tease you before I entered you, isn't it?"

"No comment," Kerry said, laughing.

I was forced to admit to her that she did make a good Caesar dressing. We drank wine and flirted casually at her kitchen table. At the end I took our dishes to the sink and started rinsing them. Tradition dictated that since she made the food it was my job to clean up after. I felt her small form press up against me from behind and her hand rubbed my cock, which surged to hardness. I groaned.

"Oh, fuck, Kerry. That feels good."

"Dishes can wait," she said breathily, "It's time for dessert."

I spun in her arms, seeing the old hunger in her eyes. We kissed, hard, like striking flint on steel. Fire caught and I picked her up by her ass so I reach her mouth more easily. She giggled and wrapped her arms around my head. I wanted to carry her to her room but I suddenly wasn't sure if I could wait that long.

"You can still lift me so easily. Even if I have gained a lot of weight."

Now it was my turn to laugh.

"You haven't gained any weight. You're still the size of a baby mouse."

Kerry blushed.

"You'll notice it soon enough..."

"I don't exactly look like I did when I was eighteen either," I said, carrying her up the steps. It reminded me of another time, long ago, although I carried her more like a bride back then.

We were at the door to her room, and I nudged it open with my foot, walked in, and set her down gently on her old bed. She looked up at me, a mix of adoration and nervousness.
"Kerry, you're the one person who doesn't have to be anxious about what I think of you. You're gorgeous. I think I owe you though."

"What do you mean, you owe me?"

"I mean that you were naked and vulnerable the first time, and you trusted me so much. I guess it's my turn."

Kerry understood. As I took my top off I felt her hands eagerly undoing my belt and button. As I dropped my shirt she looked up at me as if for permission. I nodded and she pulled my pants and boxers down, my hard cock popping out, eager to say hi.

"Oh...I missed this," she said, licking her lips, "and...and you look amazing. Not like someone near thirty at all. God, James, are you sure you want me?"

I stroked her hair reassuringly and nodded.

"I want you so much, Kerry. I...I never stopped loving you."

Kerry smiled and took me in her mouth, briefly. I moaned. She released me again, quickly.

"You can have more of that James. As much as you want. Later. I need you inside me. Please."

She pulled her sweater off, revealing her breasts. They might have been a little bigger, sagged maybe the tiniest bit, but I wouldn't even have noticed if Kerry hadn't been worried. Her stomach wasn't completely taut like when she ran every day, but neither was mine. And really, she looked amazing. My cock twitched as I took her in, which probably did more for her self-esteem than any comment would have. It didn't have any idea how to lie, after all.

I needed to see the rest of her and as soon as she unzipped I was pulling her jeans off, and then her small black panties. I wanted to take more time but I needed to be inside her, needed it like air, like water. Her hips were a little wider, but somehow, all of the changes together made her even more attractive than she was at eighteen.

Sometimes I think that love, real love, is about appreciating someone and all the things that they have been through. We'd been romantically separated for a long time, but I appreciated every part of Kerry, and that included her past and any changes she'd experienced while we were apart. I loved all of her.

"God, Kerry. You're still so sexy."

Kerry blushed, beautifully, reddening not just in her face but chest and belly and the top of her thighs. She didn't respond, but she moved backward and turned, spreading her legs for me. She smiled at me, shyly. I moved over her, careful to support most of my weight on arms. I'd been with women closer to my own size or height, and for them, I could rest more of myself on them, but I was always afraid that I'd crush Kerry, no matter how tough I knew her to be. I think she loved the way I was careful with her.

My cock was at her entrance. Before I could do anything more, I felt Kerry's small hand on my shaft, guiding me in, impatient for it, demanding it. She made a little high-pitched noise, like a chirp, when I entered her. At first I thought I'd hurt her but I saw that she was looking at me with the most intense expression that I'd ever seen her make. It scared me a little, but it also aroused me even further.

"Oh, fuck, I forgot how good you felt inside me...James...oh god why...why did you ever leave me?"

That was, even in the heat of the moment, an odd question. Leave her? We mutually broke up, and by the time I met someone serious, she'd already been married for a year. I think I understood, though, deep within. Shanon had been the first real serious relationship I'd had after her. Prior relationships had been light, or one of us was more serious than the other, as happens often. I think Shanon might have loved me though, and I knew that I'd loved her.

Kerry must have felt like I did when she'd told me about the man that she would marry. Happy for me, sincerely and truly, but also dying a little inside. All of this flashed through my mind as I bottomed out in my best friend, the love of my life. I was careful. It was easy for a larger man like me to hurt a small woman like her. I wasn't huge or anything, just about average for someone of my height, it was just the relative differences between our sizes.

"Fuck, Kerry, you're so tight, like...like before..."

Kerry smiled now, her old adoring smile. I knew that I was showing the same emotions. In that moment, there was nothing held back. We were both vulnerable and true. As I moved so did she. We were in perfect harmony, made for one another, flowing like water down a hill. We sped up and I edged her like the old days. Neither of us ever really had any trouble getting the other off, so we instinctively tried to make each orgasm better.

Kerry's nails dug into my back as she held on to me tightly. She was so close, so near, but I drug it out, slowing down, pulling just a little bit away. Then I returned, hard and fast, not rough, but certainly not gentle. She ground and rolled her hips against me. Her breath came in brief cries, She leaned back, desperate to kiss me, her small hands on my face, holding me where she needed me. Her body shuddered as the orgasm kept rolling through her, pleasure making her its puppet. At least, with a brief cry, the long, drawn out process ended. She relaxed in my arms, but I kept fucking her, bringing her back to the moment.

There were tears in her eyes, but I knew it wasn't from pain. I felt the same way, even if I couldn't express it. I was suddenly grateful for my bad fortune, for life putting me here at this moment, the right moment. Nothing was like making love to Kerry. At least in this way, nostalgia didn't lie. Each stroke brought me closer to my own moment.

"Oh James, that's it baby, let me make you feel good."

"Kerry, I'm..."

"I'm on the pill and I don't care. I don't care, baby. I need your cum and if I get pregnant, I'm ready."

Holy shit, that was too much. I came inside of her, rope after rope of cum filling her. She came with me, her muscles clutching me, milking me like she was feeding off of my life. I found myself looking into Kerry's beautiful eyes. That was when I saw it, just for a moment. Sadness and guilt, unmistakable. Replaced with love and pleasure as she came with me, more gently than before. Maybe she still felt a little bad about having sex with someone other than her husband. It wasn't uncommon and I wasn't going to say anything about it just because I wasn't decent enough to feel the same way about Shanon.

At last, we were finished, panting like we'd just run a triathlon, our foreheads pressed together. I rolled off of her and after a moment she cuddled against me. I felt her wet crotch pressed against my leg and I didn't care. It all felt right. I pulled a sheet over both of us, knowing that she'd get cold fast. She hummed in a brief noise in appreciation.

"I'm sorry I was so distant for so long."

"I think you know that you're forgiven, right? I just want to know why. I kind of thought that...that you'd outgrown me. You'd seen me for who I was and just left me behind."

She sat up on one elbow to look down at me fiercely. A light sheen of sweat covered her, her small breasts shifted as she did. I already felt myself start to harden again. How could she do that to me so easily?

"No! It wasn't like that. I could never...I never would."

"Can you tell me why? I just...I kind of need to know."

She lay back down and I heard her sigh, then she reached out and held my hand, as if drawing strength from it.

"It was me. I know how that sounds, but its true. I think the first time that I saw you with Shanon was about a month or two after you two started dating. I visited you with Bill, like we did sometimes. When I saw you two together, it was different from with the other girls you'd been with. I could see...I could see a future between you. She was so gorgeous, and she looked at you the right way, you know? And that was when my marriage started its downturn. I had suspected Bill was cheating but I didn't have any proof, and I realized something..."

"What was that?"

"I realized that I would be bad for your relationship. Really. I could pretend to be just your friend, and I am your friend, but my attachment to my husband was breaking. Was already broken, really. So I didn't feel particularly strongly towards my vows. I knew that the next time I visited you, I would be alone, and I knew that...Jesus this makes me sound like such a slut. I knew that I would make myself 'available' to you. As it I might tell myself otherwise, but I would have tried to seduce you. And if you wanted to stay with her and keep me on the side, I wouldn't have liked that, but I would have done it. I'd hate myself for it and you'd either reject me and it would hurt or you wouldn't and you'd hate yourself for it too. I didn't want to break up something that looked to be really healthy and good for both of you, so I stayed away. I always wanted you to be in my life, but I knew I had to keep some distance between us. That's it."

"Wow," I said, genuinely flattered. As weird as it was, I could have seen it happening. And neither of us was big on cheating, but there was an undeniable attraction between us, even when we had been happily platonic.

"Now that I know she cheated on you I kind of wish I'd just beaten her up and then had my way with you. Fuck politeness."

I sputtered laughter.

"That does sound more like your seduction style."

"Shut up. You know you like it."

"I do. No other girl ever made me feel like you do."

She rolled over to face me.

"Dammit you're going to make me fuck you again, aren't you?"

She rode me this time, but it wasn't rough or hard. It was slow and languid and I couldn't believe how right it felt. When we were done we showered together, changed her sheets while making dumb jokes, and then I fell asleep spooning her. I knew, in my heart, that everything would be fine from then on. I'd been through a rough patch, but it was over now.

I did not have any idea how wrong I was.

----------------------------------------------

Then - The Invisible Line

----------------------------------------------

The day things changed for Kerry and I was about a week after I had turned eighteen (she had turned eighteen a few months earlier). We were still best friends, but all the college applications that we were filling out gave the time we had together a different perspective. I wanted to go into history and she wanted to be a corporate decision maker so she wanted to pursue finance. We both had decent grades and we knew we would end up going to different colleges. My pick was Stanford and hers was between MIT and New York University.

We knew that if we got what we wanted, we wouldn't really have each other as best friends any more, and it lent a sense of urgency or even desperation to the time we had left. I don't think anyone else sensed it, but we both hung out as often and for as long as possible. We also started talking more about our fears for the future. And, naturally, we started to see different sides of each other.

The day in question I was supposed to head over to Kerry's house to study with her for a chem test the next day. I kind of sucked at it and it really helped to have a partner to explain things. As I was planning on heading there anyway, I decided to just wait until Kerry was done with soccer practice. I was sitting on the bleachers, doing some casual reading, which for me at the time was philosophy. I could really be pretentious, although I did honestly enjoy Meditations a great deal.

Kerry was a winger because she was fast, had tons of stamina, and could outthink defenders. I'm not huge on the sport, but I usually watched her home games and sometimes we watched pro soccer together. She was impressive, typically zipping up and downfield, crossing, and leaving her coverage in the dust to either take the shot or feed the striker. The team had done a lot of running and speed exercises today, and currently were playing a scrimmage.

Despite not being much of a sports guy, there was a certain appeal to watching girls my age run and jump. Kerry would always roll her eyes at me but I pointed out that she got more excited when dudes wore gray sweatpants to track practice and she'd blush and get quiet. Today I wasn't paying much attention to the field and honestly was eager to get going.

I heard a brief shout, and I recognized it immediately. It was Kerry. She'd taken a slide tackle and she hadn't gotten back up. The player who'd tackled her had run over to her, obviously concerned. I ran down to the sidelines, watching apprehensively. The coaches ran out and leaned over her. She was sitting up and talking so hopefully it wasn't that serious. She stood up with some help, and those of us on the sidelines clapped, but she needed support to get back. She'd obviously messed up her ankle. I walked over to where she was sitting on the bench. The coach was speaking by the time I got there.

"You've gotta stay off it and ice it. It's not so bad now but you could have some awful swelling by tomorrow. No tournament for you. Sorry."

Kerry's face showed clear disappointment. She really enjoyed playing and competing and was looking forward to the trip out of town. Her team would miss her skills, too.

"Shit, that's tough," Amanda, her friend and a backup striker said, "do you need help getting to your car? You can lean on me..."

"No need," I said, finally speaking up. I could be shy with girls but I knew most of her teammates at least as acquaintances. I'd even gone out with one of them. "If one of you gets her stuff from the locker room then I'll just carry her to my car."

"Are you sure?" Kerry asked. Her teammates looked at me doubtfully. I was big but the parking lot was a few hundred yards away. I laughed.

"Kerry, you weigh like two pounds and you're the size of a baby mouse. It'll be fine."

Kerry chafed at the obvious dig on her size and her teammates chuckled. Some of them gave me a weird look but I didn't worry too much about it.

Once Amanda came back with her backpack I slung it over my shoulder with my own, then knelt slightly and lifted Kerry into my arms, easily. By this point I was over six feet and naturally kind of beefy, and I worked out a bit, mostly push-ups. I'm not trying to make myself seem super-strong, either. Kerry really did weigh less than one-hundred. It didn't occur to me until much later that I carried her like a bride.

I also noticed that quite a few of her teammates were watching me now, some with little smiles on their faces. I just figured that they were assuming that Kerry and I were dating. It was a common misunderstanding and I didn't really worry about it any more. Those people who knew us closely knew that we were a lot more like siblings than lovers.

I carried her to the car, trying to go gently to avoid jostling Kerry's injured leg too much. She was silent except for an occasional small noise and I was worried that she was concealing pain so I slowed down a bit.

"Are you doing ok?" I asked.

"Huh?"

"I mean, are you hurting too bad? Am I making it worse?"

"No. No, James...you're being perfect."

I nodded and kept walking, enjoying the feeling of her small, warm body against mine. She leaned her head into my chest for the last part of the journey, and it felt almost like she was cuddling into me while we walked. I set her down on one leg, then loaded her and her stuff into the car and we were off.

"Thank you," she said as I drove.

"No problem," I said. It really didn't feel like a big deal for me. I did not consider the greater implications of what I'd done or how it might have been interpreted.

"Really," Kerry said, suddenly serious.

"You're welcome," I said, a little more formally, smiling at her sideways.

I caught sight of her, briefly, before my eyes were back on the road. She had wide eyes, and her adoring smile was back. I felt my heart beat faster and my face felt warmer. I noticed some other stuff happening in my pants and adjusted myself a bit.

"Oh my god, stop," I said, finally.

"What?" Kerry said.

"You're staring at me and I love that smile but you're making me incredibly self-conscious."

She laughed, gently. Normally she would have made some kind of comment about me being girly or something and teased me. Not today.

"You're amazing, you know that?"

Now I laughed.

"Why?"

"You just carried me like four football fields and you did it so carefully that I barely felt any pain. And my ankle hurts like a fucking bitch. Oh, and I'm pretty sure half the soccer team wants to bang you now."

"What?"

"Didn't you see how they were looking at you when you picked me up? Do you really not understand girls at all?"

"I think we both know that I do not."

We laughed together.

"Oh my god. This is why I lo...why you're amazing, you idiot. No matter how tough we are, every girl out there has been reading manga and watching Sailor Moon or Disney movies with strong, handsome, and slightly moody men saving women in distress. So I fall down, right, and I'm really hurt. You come over and basically pick me up like you just came off the cover of a shitty romance novel. And that makes you great, ok? Everyone one of those girls who were looking at you wished they were me. Every one. I'm not being sarcastic or mean or anything, cuz I know how your mind works."

"Oh," I said, trying to process all the really wonderful things Kerry had said about me. I felt a really warm feeling spread through me.

"And what makes you amazing is that you just did it because it was the right thing, and you wanted to help your best friend. You had no idea whatsoever how you looked doing it. You were masculine but modest. Any woman would be lucky...to be yours."

Then she seemed to realize the depth of what she'd expressed and grew silent. A gentle rain started to fall from the cloudy fall skies, and neither of us spoke for the rest of the short drive. My mind was racing. I may not have been experienced with actual romance, but I had heard the depth of feeling in my friend's voice. Hell, I had felt it in the way my body reacted to it. I had to adjust my pants a few times. Thankfully, Kerry was looking out the window, watching the rain as she loved to do.

When we arrived Kerry touched my arm and I jumped. Then she laughed.

"Sorry. I can walk to the door if you give me your arm. It's only like ten steps."

"Sure."

I grabbed both our packs and helped her to the door through the rain. It was getting worse so I moved carefully. Better that we both got wet than she fell. When we got to the door we were almost run over by her mother, who was obviously going out.

Kerry's mom looked like a middle aged Eva Green. Every guy I knew had some kind of crush on her, myself included, although mine was pretty tame. She was dressed to kill, in a black dress that you wouldn't call scandalous by any means but that left no doubt as to sensuous nature of the woman who wore it. She had darker brown hair than Kerry but they shared big beautiful blue eyes and high cheekbones. Kerry was athletic and slender, whereas her mom was, uh, "voluptuous". She filled that dress out and she knew it.

She smiled at me, the friendly smile she saved for friends of hers and of her daughter. Both of our moms had a standing invitation if one of us needed to stay over or any other help. They weren't exactly friends but they'd grown to respect one another.

As soon as she saw me though, something odd happened. She had a look in her eye when the door opened. It was odd, like she was happily surprised to see me but then realized that she'd mistaken me for someone else. Her expression shifted, ever so slightly. I wasn't that smart then, but I like to think that I would have picked up on it now. How much different things would have been.

"Oh my goodness. What happened, Kerry?"

She stepped aside to let us in. Kerry looked oddly annoyed at her mother, and nervous about her being there.
"Its fine, mom. I just twisted my ankle. I just have to stay off it and...ahhh..."

She'd pulled away from me and tried to get to her sofa by herself and then winced as she put any pressure on her foot. I helped steady her and walked her the rest of the way until she sat down.

"No, it isn't fine," her mother said, in the educated accent that made her seem sophisticated, "I'll call, um, my date and tell him that I have to cancel. Its fine."

Just then, there was a chirp from her mother's purse. She took her phone out and looked at it, then looked a little pale for a moment.

"Uh, he's already outside. He's picking me up."

"James can stay with me," Kerry said, a little panicked, "right? I mean...we were going to study chem anyway...and it's raining, so you can stay with me until I go to bed or whatever? If it gets too late you can crash on the couch."

She looked at me, pleading. Kerry's mom was furiously typing something on her phone, but she looked up at me, expectantly. It was weird.

"Yeah. Of course I can stay. I didn't know if your mom would be here so I was already planning on helping you get around and my mom won't mind."

I didn't bother mentioning my dad because odds are that he was either working late or flying out later tonight. He really didn't seem to care where I was in any case. Mom would be fine with me staying once I called her so she knew that I was ok. And I knew that Kerry's mom, while a pretty great parent, went on one or two dates each week, and one of them was usually on Thursday nights, so I'd expected her to be gone. Her mother smiled, relieved.

"Thank you James. Please call me if you need anything or if Kerry's ankle gets worse. There's money on the fridge for some pizza!"

And then she was gone, into the rain, very careful to close the door behind her. Kerry looked annoyed with her. No, that was wrong, she looked...disgusted? That was odd. I always thought of Kerry and her mother as getting along. I argued more with mine, to be sure, although those tended to be about having to perform yet another church activity rather than any actual dislike. Kerry looked to me, and then was apologetic, almost sad.

"I'm...sorry."

"For what?"

She opened her mouth, and paused, then smiled, shakily.

"For my mom. She, uh, really likes this guy. You shouldn't have to take care of me because she can't keep her legs together for a night."

Wow. I was used to Kerry being vulgar, but never about her mother, and never in a way that was so critical of her sexuality.

"You don't need to apologize. I don't mind taking care of you and like you said we were going to study anyway. I'll just stick around afterwards and we can play video games or cuddle and watch tv or whatever. It'll be fun."

I got Kerry some water as I knew she'd be thirsty after practice and then called my mom. As predicted, she didn't mind me staying. She was especially paranoid about me driving in rain or ice so told me to stay the night if the storm got worse like it was supposed to. Never mind that we lived five minutes away by car. I promised her that I'd be careful and hung up.

"Do...do you think you could help me upstairs? We'd probably be more comfortable there and...you know what, never mind."

"What?"

"I just...I feel all sweaty and gross. Do you think you could help me shower? I know its weird, I'm sorry...I just..."

She was sweaty, but to me she was far from gross. Something about a sheen of sweat on a woman just makes her more appealing, not less. But this was Kerry, not some girl I was dating.

"Y...yeah. Of course I can help you. I'm going to carry you up the stairs though. I don't want you trying to hop your way up."

"Ok."

I carried her upstairs to her bedroom, where I'd been a million times before. I set her stuff down and ordered the pizza. I didn't need to ask what she wanted. I swear to god we were like an old married couple at that point, without the fighting. Kerry made a grunt of pain and I spun around. She had one shoe off but couldn't get the one on her injured ankle.

"Hey, let me. I'll get you some ice too once you're out of the shower."

She smiled at me as I knelt before her. No big deal, I thought, I'll just have to be careful. I untied it the rest of the way, and then loosened the laces much more than normal. To steady her, I put my hand under her calf so she could rest it there. She gasped and I looked up at her, worried, but it wasn't pain in her eyes, more like shock.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to...uh...I should have told you I was going to do that."

She laughed.

"Its fine. It's not like this is the first time you've ever touched my leg. I don't know what's wrong with me, Keep going."

I did. I slipped her shoe off carefully, then very gently took off her long sock. As a side effect, my hands slid down the smooth surface of her lower leg. I felt her tremble when I did it. I pretended it was from pain, but in my heart I knew that it wasn't.

"Thanks. If you get me to the bathroom I should be able to take off my clothes and get in and out fine."

I looked at her, skeptically.

"Are you sure?"

I had an image of her falling, hitting her head on the floor.

"Really," she said, "I'll be fine."

"All right. But...just call me if you need help, ok?"

"Ok, dad."

I rolled my eyes at her as she giggled and helped her in the room.

"Leave the door open slightly," she said, "so I can tell you when I'm ready."

I sat down and got some of my books out. I heard the shower start so she must be doing all right. I was just getting settled in to try and understand a difficult process when I heard a loud thump from the bathroom. My heart beat much faster. I rushed to the door.

"Are you all right?"

"I'm fine...shit."

"You don't sound fine."

"I fell on my ass. Goddammit. I'm not hurt, just embarrassed. I can't reach the detachable shower-head though, and I'm...not sure about standing up."

"Um. I should be able to hand it to you. And then help you out when you're ready without looking. I think."

"Yeah. Thanks. Come on in."

I went in, nervous. We were close, sure. I'd seen her in swimsuits and lounging clothes, sure. I'd never seen her naked, and I certainly didn't want to embarrass her. I was getting turned on at the though of being near her wet, nude form, but I wasn't tempted to peek. No matter how much I may have wanted to see her.

I walked across the room. I could see through the opaque shower curtain that she was obviously sitting down in the bath, but I couldn't make out any details. I reached in and grabbed the shower head, then passed it to her while looking away, careful not to blast her with the spray.

"Thanks. Could you hand me the shower gel and the loofa from there too? I'm sorry."

I did and went to leave the room but she spoke up.

"Wait! Can you stay? I'm going to be done soon and..."

"Sure," I said, painfully aware of her beautiful nude form feet away from mine. I'd be fine, I told myself. I just had to make sure my eyes behaved themselves. That was all.

"Ok. You can turn the water off."

I did.

"How do you want me to help?"

"I think I can get up if I just...ow! Fuck!"

Her foot slipped and she sat back down hard, with a thump.

"Stay there. I'll lift you out."

"Are...are you sure?"

I sighed.

"I'm not...I don't want to make this awkward but if you seriously hurt yourself because I'm nervous about being close to you while you're naked or you're afraid of me seeing you nude, I'll never forgive myself."

"I...I don't mind. I mean if you catch a glimpse or something. I trust you."

Fuck. I could tell myself that she was just my friend all I wanted but I most definitely did want to 'catch a glimpse' right now. I slid the curtain back, keeping my eyes as averted as I could. I knelt down and scooped her willing form up. She wrapped her arms around my neck for security, and I lifted her up. Her wet body pressed into me, soaking my shirt. I got her out, and then gently let her legs down while keeping one arm around her back. I'd planned on just having one arm wrapped around her side while I looked away. I'd still be touching her, sure, but it would be minimal contact and she'd have support.

Instead, she pivoted her body as she placed her weight to her good foot, turning to face me, keeping both of her arms around my neck. I was confused but bent down to make sure she had stability. She leaned her small form into me, and I felt her wet heat radiate over me, her breasts pressing into me. I looked down to see what was wrong and my breath caught.

She was looking straight at me, her blue eyes piercing and intense. Her light brown hair was stuck to her forehead and her lips were parted, her breathing ragged. My cock, which had been behaving itself briefly, surged to hardness and pressed into her taut belly. She moaned, deep in her throat, an animal noise that I'd never heard her make before, one of lust and need. Her small arms tightened around my neck, pulling me closer. I did not resist. Our lips met.

I'd never had a kiss like this before and I doubt that she had either. All of the repressed urges, all of the buried feelings that I'd had for my dearest friend surged forth, not to be denied. I kissed her back, her tongue dancing in my mouth. Her hands wouldn't release me so I reached under her ass, her firm, perfect ass, and lifted her up. She held on to me with her thighs, clinging and grinding to me. I was worried about her ankle, barely aware of it as I was, so I carried her carefully, awkwardly, to her bed and set her wet form down.

Finally I could see her small breasts, her toned athletic belly, her curved thighs and flared hips. Her thatch was the same light brown as her hair, but trimmed neatly. The way she leaned back let me see her labia, puffed up and moist for me. Ready for me. She looked up at me with adoration and want. I returned her gaze as she reached out and rubbed my cock, painfully hard, through my pants.

"Oh...Kerry..."

Saying her name just seemed to excite her more. She rubbed with more intensity.

"James...let me take care of you. Please?"

Then the doorbell rang and we both jumped, springing apart as thought we'd just been caught.

"It's the pizza," she said.

We looked at each other and laughed. I ran downstairs, grabbed the money off of the fridge and then paid the driver and brought our food in. I was hungry for something else. I was back upstairs in a flash.

Kerry smiled as soon as she saw me, but she shivered, still wet. I went and got a towel. I knelt in front of her and began to dry her, softly, gently, starting at her feet and working up to her legs, and then her sex. She moaned and parted her legs, but I wouldn't pay any extra attention there yet. I didn't stop until I'd carefully dried her front and back, and then her hair at least a bit. I stepped back and dropped the towel on the floor, never taking my eyes off of her. I stood there for a long moment, just taking in the beautiful image, burning it into my memory.

"What?" she asked finally, then giggled, embarrassed.

"You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen or imagined," I said, translating my thoughts to words without any filter. There was no doubting my sincerity because she knew me so well. It was obvious to her. Her look changed, grew adoring, she bit her lip.

"Take off your clothes for me, James."

I was suddenly shy. I'd been nude with girls before, although only briefly and in the dark, really, but this was Kerry. I'd die if she laughed at me or if I repulsed her somehow. My best friend knew me however, seeing my thoughts as clearly as if I'd said them out loud.

"If you're worried about...well, anything about your appearance, don't be. You're the most handsome man I know. You're plenty big if you're worried about that, I could feel that well enough. I...I love you, ok? So I just need you to trust me like I'm trusting you right now by being naked in front of you. Do you?"

"Yes," I said, without hesitation.

"Good," she said, "now let me see that dick."

She said it with such lecherous relish that it made us both laugh. She didn't cover her lust as I took my shirt off, and she leaned forward so she could rub my stomach and reach towards my chest with her small hands. She gently pinched my nipple unexpectedly and I groaned. This girl, this perfect girl, could make me moan by touching my chest.

I unbuckled my pants and she looked eager. I unbuttoned them and her breathing got ragged. I unzipped them and she licked her lips. She looked up at me as if asking for permission. All I could do was nod. She pulled my pants and boxers down at the same time, slowly. My cock popped up, hard and proud as a flagpole. She gasped. I stepped out of my clothes and stood nude in front of her.

"Oh James...oh my." She reached out and took it in one small hand. I moaned. "It's perfect, James. You're perfect. I can't believe how lucky I am."

Before I could express to her that was how I felt, she took the head of my cock into her mouth while she looked me in the eyes.

"Kerry...you're so beautiful like this."

She moaned around my cock which made it twitch. She let it out of her mouth and smiled at me mischievously.

"You know, humming helps to suppress the gag reflex..." then this small, beautiful, wonderful girl took me all the way to the back of her throat, and held me there. All the while she looked up at me, as if asking for my approval. All I could do was groan in pleasure and run my fingers through her still-wet hair. She worked up and down varying speed and pressure, letting her tongue run under my shaft and swirl around the tip. She used her small hand to stroke up and pay attention to the parts of my cock that weren't in her mouth. She did it expertly and perfectly and her lips.

"Kerry, I'm going to...oh fuck."

She stopped only for a moment.

"Do it, James. Cum in my mouth. Cum in me and on me."

Then she went back to working me, faster than before, taking me as deeply as possible. I groaned so loudly it was almost a shout, and I came. God help me I sent rope after rope of thick, sticky seed into her mouth and throat. She gulped and swallowed and milked me as if it were the most important thing in the world. She ran out of breath before I ran out of cum, and she had to release me. The last few spurts hit her cheek and chin and fell onto her perfect, small breasts. A single drop flowed out onto her nipple. It was one of the most erotic things that I have ever seen, and I will never forget it.

She looked at me and giggled, but I was still lost in pleasure and disbelief. No woman had ever given me oral pleasure like that, and certainly none had so enjoyed doing it. My legs were a little wobbly but I had the presence of mind to walk to the bathroom and get a wet washcloth.

Kerry was looking at me expectantly when I got back.

"That was amazing, love," I'd never called her that before but it seemed right. She was, after all, my love. My heart beat faster, thinking about her like that.

I began to clean her carefully, starting with her face and chin, and then moving to her chest.

"You're so gentle, James. I thought you might grab my hair and just fuck my mouth for a minute there but you let me just serve you. And feeling you cum in my mouth was just...so wonderful." Her expression clouded. "Hey, I'm, um, not freaking you out by talking like this, am I? Or by being this...experienced. I swear I don't go down on every guy or anything..."

"I rather assumed you went down on your dates sometimes," I said, smiling, "even if I didn't particularly want to think about the specifics, it's ok. I don't think that you're bad for...having experience."

She smiled.

"I shouldn't worry with you. I shouldn't but I do, because...oh fuck I'm bad at this...its just..."

"Just what?" I asked as I finished cleaning her nipple, watching it harden from my touch in a gratifying way.

"I just never want you to think badly of me. I wish...I really wish that I had just done what I wanted to do and ask you to be my first. I would have liked to have been yours, too. I care about you, James, not like the boys I dated. I love you."

There was an almost desperate tone to her voice, as if she was saying something forbidden but was powerless to stop herself. I put my palm on her face to reassure her and she leaned into it and kissed it.

"I'd have loved for you to be my first and only," I said, enjoying her blush, "but there are advantages to being a bit later in the queue."

"And those are?"

"I went down on my dates, too, and picked up a few things," I said, winking at her. I gently lifted her legs off of the ground and pivoted her so that she was laying down. As she watched I made sure that she was comfortable and put a pillow under her ankle for support. I did it in such a fashion as so her legs would have to be apart for me.

"H...hey," she said.

"Yeah?" I said, eager to taste her.

"I...I want this, James. I want it so bad. I really want to cum on your tongue...I'm just not sure if I'm ready to go all the way tonight. I'm not teasing you I swear...it's just that..."

"...you matter much more to me than the other people I've been with," I finished for her.

"Y...yeah. That. Fuck, you're perfect. I wish...I wish so many things...oooh...oh fuck that's nice...oh...oooh....fuckkk..."

I hadn't waited for her thought to end. Instead I began to kiss her inner thigh, which was unbelievably soft. The taste of her skin was clean and she smelled vaguely of strawberries from her soap. I kissed up to her labia and looked her in the eye as I sucked it into my mouth for the first time. By then she was done talking and had started making little noises of arousal. Almost chirps, high pitched and short, as my tongue probed inside her. Almost as soon as I did so, her natural lubrication increased and her taste and scent flooded my senses.

It was simple and pure, distinct from all others. But there was something more to it, I don't know how to describe it. It wasn't very strong, but it was incredibly unique to me, as if the love I had for her preserved these sensations in my memory for all time. No other woman has ever measured up for me.

"James...James...I'm..."

She had passed her hands through my hair as I inserted a finger inside her, feeling her warm wet tightness grip me. I began to kiss her again, this time around her clitoris. I was shocked to feel her spasm, hard, around my finger. I began to move it inside and out as she continued to cum. It wasn't a large orgasm, but it was a start.

"Oh fuck...oh god..."

Or so I thought. Her first climax continued irregularly, maybe one or maybe several small ones, and I kept it going until she went limp. I didn't stop, but relaxed a bit, slowed things down so she could catch her breath.

"If you want to stop that's fine..." she said, misinterpreting my speed change for reluctance to continue. I looked up at her and shook my head, then began to truly administer direct sensation to her tiny, hard clit. I was careful not to be harsh, but my tongue danced on and over it, caressing it, then leaving it. A second finger entered her, and I periodically hooked them up to stimulate the rough patch of her g-spot.

Being with a small girl has other advantages, as with my free hand I could easily reach up and feel her small breast. This was the first time I'd had my hand on one of them, and they were unbelievably firm and supple. Her nipple was small and hard and I began to pinch and pull at it gently, betting that was something that she would like.

"Oh...oh god...James what are you doing....to me. Fuck. James...its too much, baby. Its..."

Her expressions became non-verbal. Whimpers and moans and gasps told me that I was doing the right thing. Her volume increased, her hands pushed my head down into her crotch, but even then she wasn't hurtful, only insistent. I directly lashed her clitoris now with my tongue while I probed her deeply with my fingers. I looked up just in time.
She locked eyes with me, her gaze so longing that I almost stopped. Emotions ran over her face so quickly, lust, guilt, shame, then finally just adoration. She gasped and bucked and she let out little yelps and shouts, over and over. I realized that she was climaxing, and not gently. I kept up my ministrations until she arched her back one more time, and then collapsed. Then I gave her a few slow licks and kisses, letting her come back down.

I moved up her body, and she kissed me enthusiastically, cuddling up to my neck and chest, kissing me in both places before finally sighing and relaxing. We didn't speak for a long time. Things just felt so right, so perfect, it would have been sacrilegious to speak. Eventually, though, we got up and got dressed again, me helping her to do so. We had work to do.

Things could have gotten weird that night. It would have made sense. Instead, we just became suddenly closer, like the last barrier between us was down. We still studied, but we cuddled while we did it, her head resting on my arm or chest, her hand on my thigh, stroking me gently, almost possessively. We smiled at each other constantly. We still, somehow, managed to get through the material, and memorize as much as possible. I brought her pizza and we ate in comfortable silence. When I closed my book, she was already looking at me, with that same adoring smile. It melted me then. It melts me now.

"So," she said, "you wanna fool around?"

I did in fact want to fool around, but I didn't want to seem too eager.

"What about your mom?"

Kerry rolled her eyes, barely concealing her disgust again.

"She won't be home until super late. Whenever she sees this guy she always puts out. Sometimes she spends the entire night."

"You really don't like this guy she's seeing?"

"No, its just that...ugh...lets not talk about it. I'm actually really happy right now and I don't want to spend the time we have complaining."

"All right," I said, running my hand through her hair gently, which she seemed to like, "but I'll always listen if you need me to."

"God...why are you so perfect?"

"I'm not, but I know you. I know you like you know me. And I'm pretty self-absorbed a lot of the time...but I just want to make you happy. It feels really right."

Kerry looked me in the eyes, like she really saw me. Or at least the good parts. She took her shirt off, which was surprising in its suddenness. She wore no bra and I was entranced with the way her shoulders sloped and her taut stomach. I found every part of her new and beautiful.

"I know what I said earlier James, but I think I'm ready now. Will you make love to me?"

When Kerry looked at me like that and said those words, I was lost. It wouldn't have mattered what circumstances we were in. If the house were on fire, I would have done the same thing.

I leaned in and kissed Kerry, her hands moving and flowing under my own shirt, insistently pulling it off. We stopped our hungry and passionate kiss long enough to undress each other. Unsurprisingly she wore no panties. This time I stopped and just took her in. I felt something lurch inside me, a deep longing turning into something much larger. I realized with some fear that I was in love. Complete, desperate, intense, and discomfortingly adult love. I felt as though I was on a ship but I had no control over its course.

I leaned in as I felt I was destined to, and began to kiss Kerry on her neck, as I somehow instinctively knew she would like. Softly at first then nips and finally love bites. We hadn't started doing anything serious yet and she was already gasping my name.

"James...oh god..."

My hand found her small breast and began to, well, honestly, to maul it. To be firm and then fierce. She leaned into my grip and put her small hand on mine and held it there as I felt her. She groaned as I moved down and began to kiss her other breast and pull at her nipple between my lips. I moved my hand down to her slit, which was swollen and wet. She flinched as I touched her, then arched her back, eager to grind against my palm or any other port of me.

I didn't let her and she looked up at me with a pout. I laughed, which probably seemed a little cruel, but I moved myself over her and she understood. She parted her legs so much for me that I feared hurting her. I had enough will left to be something of a gentleman.

"How's your ankle? Is this going to be ok?"

"Y..yeah. It hurts but its fine. If you're gentle it won't be a problem. I guess you'll just have to be rough later to make up for it."

Kerry gave me wicked little smile. How was she so beautiful? With hands that were somehow steady, I positioned myself and then began to push inside her. She was tight, and warm and perfect. It felt like she was made for me. I wanted to fuck her hard, if I'm honest, leaving her with no doubt as to how much I desired her, but I went slowly.

Kerry arched her back and bit her lip. I shot her a questioning glance, afraid to hurt her, and she just smiled and nodded. I pushed the rest of the way inside her, and she sighed. I could tell that she shared my feeling of completeness. I began to move in and out of her, my eyes fixed on hers. It wasn't particularly kinky, but it was unbearably erotic. In and out, her pussy gripped me as I left, and her good leg wrapped around me and drew me back inside of her with each thrust.

"That's it, James. Fuck me, just like that. Oh god you're hitting me just right. Don't stop, fuck."

"I wish I'd just pressed you up against the wall and kissed you like I've wanted to for months."

Lots of my thoughts were just slipping out now, as they do during sex.

"James...I'm sorry...I should...I shouldn't...oh fuck...I'm sorry but I'm...."

Kerry lost her train of thought and words, cumming as hard as I'd ever seen any woman. Her small body thrashed under me and I worried that she might hurt her ankle again, but instead she just held onto me for dear life. Her moans turned to cries and finally one prolonged scream. I'd never made any woman get that loud before, and it was wonderful. As her first orgasm died off, I accelerated.

Kerry was never the sort to just lay back and let things happen. She moved her hips back at me with each stroke and rolled them to grind on me as she did. I reached back and stroked her hair before I put my hand behind her neck. Even now I had a strong protective instinct for her, almost at a primal level. I held her gently, cradling her head next to mine. I felt her gasp and whimper in my ear.

"James...this isn't...like...oh god I love you. I love you so much."

I couldn't help but speed up, thrusting faster and faster, groaning my pleasure. She clung to me and sped up, not just for herself, but to make sure I came hard. I held her ass in one hand, pulling her into me as I said her name, loudly.

I came, pushing as deeply as I could. She felt me swell and begin to pulse inside of her, and she turned her head so she could looking me in the eye as I filled her. As soon as she felt the pressure of my first spurt of seed, she began to cum again.

This moment, this perfect moment, was burned into my mind. My beautiful lover, my first true friend, my first true love, achieving orgasm with me, in perfect sync, one with me. When we both finished we stayed there looking into each other's eyes a moment before we kissed, long and hard, her legs still held me inside of her and my cock refused to soften.

Finally, almost sadly, I pulled out of her, my seed spilling out. We continued to kiss and she held on to me as if afraid that I would run away. I never wanted to. I'd lost my virginity to a different girl, but this is where I consider my manhood to have begun. It was commitment at an almost spiritual level.

"How...how was it?" Kerry asked, nervously. I don't know why she worried, it was amazing.

"It...it was the best I've ever had," I said. I had some new fears of screwing up this new thing between us and losing her, but I didn't have any second thoughts. She might have though.

"Good," she said, "because if we're going to be together I'm going to need to keep you happy."

"Oh of course," I said, "but I hope you lower your expectations for me."

She laughed.

"Oh god, James," she said, "you need to stop that. Did I sound to you like I was disappointed? I've never got off that hard or that fast. And we both know that you have more experience than I do."

I smiled at that and closed my eyes. Did I detect a touch of bitterness in her last sentence? If so, it was gone immediately.

"Things are going to be different now," I observed

"Are they? We cared for each other before this. We were more like br...family than friends. I've told you things that I'd never even tell my mom, James. In any case, you're mine now. You just have to get used to it."

It was a very Kerry answer. She just expected me to go along with her. I did stand up for myself from time to time, but in this case, I was more than happy for her to claim me.

We stayed like that for a long time, her laying on my chest. When I went go get up, she clung to me tightly, unwilling to let me go.

"Stay here, with me," she said.

"Um. I have to take a leak. But also, I'm pretty sure I should sleep on the couch. I'm not sure that your mom will want to find us in bed together. She might not buy the whole 'we're just really close friends' angle."

"Well...at least come back and cuddle. And you can sleep on the floor, up here. You have to be where you can help me, right?"

"All right," I agreed. It wasn't like I was opposed to being in bed with her, I just didn't want to get us in trouble and ruin this.

When I got back I slid behind her, spooning her gently. She moved back into me, making sure as much of her body as possible was touching mine. She made a little hum of satisfaction. I'd closed and locked the bedroom door in case I fell asleep like this. At least that would give me a chance to get out of bed, although it would look suspicious.

Kerry was so quiet that I thought she'd fallen asleep. But she was awake, and I'm sure that her mind was working on ways to broach the next subject.

"Um," Kerry started, "so don't hate me, ok?"

"I don't think that it would be possible for me to hate you right now, unless sleeping with me was some sort of elaborate prank."

"No, of course not, I would never hurt you like that. I just...just think that we need to keep us a secret for the time being."

"Why?"

I will admit that this did cause a brief drop in my stomach, but nothing like resentment. I was looking forward to being with Kerry in public. Was she ashamed of me? Ashamed of what she'd done with me?

"Because...well...think about our parents. They trust us together, right? And you can stay over here and I can stay over at your house and whatever, any time, right?"

"Right."

"If they know that we're dating, or whatever, they won't be like that any more. We'll always have a chaperone. Imagine what your mom would be like if she thought we were having sex."

"Oh god. She'd never leave us alone for fear of our immortal souls."

"Exactly. And this is a, um, pretty small town. If someone sees us, it will get back to your mom or mine...or your dad."

I didn't exactly understand why Kerry said the last word with such dread, but it made sense, even if I was a bit disappointed. I wouldn't do anything to risk this new thing between us. It felt beautiful to me, and big. If nothing else I was looking forward to being with her and discovering her all over again.

So I agreed to her terms. They made sense, and after all, I was in love with her. Things weren't always simple, but they were happy for us, for over a year.

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Now - Devil's Eve

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"Your father was proud of you, you know."

That was how the end of the story started. With my mother trying to be good towards me and my dad fucking it up from beyond the grave. It was the day before Halloween and I was helping my mom with the dishes. She was washing while I dried and put away.

"Really? You think?"

"Yes. He regretted the distance between the two of you. I tried to get him to reach out to you, but he felt it would be imposing on you just to make him feel less guilty. He read a lot of your writing. Not just the fun stuff either, like I do, but even some of your textbooks. You can see them in his library."

My dad's library had books in it, but it was really his private office at home. It was a place I had avoided mostly, as a child and now as an adult. I hadn't been in there since I'd gotten home, in any case.

"God, it would feel weird to go in there without his permission."

She laughed.

"I guarantee that you have it. You know what? You should take his old typewriter with you. And his old laptop if you want it. Both of them still work, but the typewriter would make a nice reminder of him in your life, maybe next to where you write? In any case...I haven't been able to bring myself to go through his papers. I don't think there's anything critical in there but I don't know for sure. Before you came home I was going to ask Kerry to come over and go through them, just in case. You know, given her background..."

Kerry wasn't an accountant, per se, but she was in finance, and she had made herself well versed with investment strategies and banking, even at a personal level. It would make sense for her to go through it because anything important would stand out to her immediately.

"I can do it," I offered, "I don't mind. If I find anything I don't understand, I'll go to Kerry."

"That would be wonderful. Thank you. But don't rush. I doubt anything in there needs immediate attention after all these months."

I decided to do it that afternoon. After all, there was no point putting it off.

Later, after my mother left to help run a kid-friendly "haunted house" at her church, I went into my father's library. It still smelled vaguely of him, in a way. There was a lingering odor of pipe tobacco. He'd quit smoking years ago, but kept a bag around because he liked the scent. His books were overflowing from the shelving and stacked on his desk and even on the floor. They were a mix of business and sales, adventure fiction, and the classics. And conspicuously, one shelf had all of the textbooks and novels that I'd written, all lined up in a row. I didn't know if he'd ever read them, but I'm not afraid to admit that I teared up a little when I saw proof of my father's interest, maybe even love. There was so little of it in my life, but maybe it was there all along.

I sighed and sat down at his desk. I started with what was in plain sight. The typewriter was empty, the laptop closed and off. The printer sat still. There were papers on his blotter and I looked through them but they were mostly old bills and offers. I tossed them.

I started going through the drawers. The first one held what I would call "critical business correspondence," important letters and then later emails that he kept for reference or even proof. The second drawer was a surprise to me. It had articles that he had written, some on the typewriter and others obviously printed out much later, non-fiction about the state of his industry or international opportunities for sales. He'd even sold a few of them to magazines, although he had kept his rejection letters, too. I thought that was funny as I did the same. I made a note to return to this stuff and read it, if only to see what his writing style was like. I set the articles aside. The third drawer was a junk drawer: batteries and pens and such. I tossed most of it but kept the items that I thought mom could use. The last drawer wouldn't open.

I assumed that it was locked, but it had no place for a key. Maybe it was stuck then? It was secured tightly, but when I pulled on it there was a stopping point, like a door that has been bolted but not sealed completely. I began to think about my father's distance, his reticence to speak of things beyond the immediate, his compartmentalization. I sighed and felt around the outside of the desk. Nothing. So I started looking inside. There, in the junk drawer, I found it.

On top, hidden from sight unless you took out the drawer itself and got on your knees, was a catch. Simple but deceptively clever. Just like dad. I pushed the catch in and the last drawer popped open as if it were spring loaded. I felt something settling deep in my stomach. I didn't want to go through this drawer. I felt like I was violating my father's last private space, but I had committed to mom that I would. That's what I told myself anyway.

The first thing that I found were love letters, from mom to him. They were kept bundled and tied with a red ribbon. I set those aside to give to her. It would be good for her to have physical proof of his devotion, even though she knew that he loved her.

Under those was where the trouble started.

First was a small black address book. How fucking cliché, dad. It didn't have a lot of names, but all of them were women. First names only, then city, in some cases country, and a phone number. Some had little stars pencilled next to them.

Jesus, dad. How insensitive was he to leave this here were mom could find it? Did she know? He travelled a hell of a lot. On the other hand, there were dates listed by a lot of the names, too. And none of them were remotely recent. Some were probably from before he met mom, but some were definitely after. Nothing after 1991, though. That would mean that he stopped doing this, what, about a year before I was born?

Better late than never, dad. I was angry at this point, but not really surprised. Dad was popular with women, outgoing, and in a position of power and wealth. And he was just the sort of man to compartmentalize a string of out of town women from his beloved wife.

I came to terms with it fast. I set the book aside and resolved to trash it well away from the house. I'd have probably burned it if mom had been out, for my own catharsis.

And then it got really bad.

There was nothing else in the drawer. I went to close it, when I noticed something odd. The bottom panel of the drawer rattled when I moved it. I had a bad feeling.

I got down on my knees and examined it, inside and out. I could clearly see a difference. The outside was about two inches deeper than the inside. It was a false bottom.

I felt around the drawer itself. Nothing. I reached under the bottom and there it was, another catch. I pressed it. The bottom panel pivoted up on a hidden hinge in the back, like a safety deposit box.

Inside was another bundle of letters, this time with a black ribbon around them. I took it off, a cold emptiness spreading through me. Some of them were handwritten, but there were also printed emails here. I picked it up and I could faintly smell perfume. It was familiar, but I was certain that it wasn't my mother's.

I read the first handwritten note, largely because it was short. The writing was fine, not pretty or 'girly,' but feminine. Clean, controlled. Familiar again, but I couldn't place it. Not yet. It was addressed to 'Daniel'. Interesting. Only my father's closest friends and my mother called him that. He was Dan to everyone else. He preferred the formal version but never made a big deal out of it.

Daniel,

Thank you so much for what you did for me. I can't express in words how grateful I am. So many people in this town judge based on appearances or preconceived notions. I won't waste this opportunity.

Please let me know if I can do anything at all for you in the future. I am at your service.

-J

Refusing to sign a name was suspect but honestly, this letter almost seemed to be one of professional thanks. I went on to the next one, which was longer and cleared things up immensely, to my dismay.
Daniel,

The last time I wrote to thank you. I want to do so again but I think I can better express my gratitude in person, don't you? Perhaps this time on my knees?

I'm still thinking about last night. I'm going to be thinking about it for a very long time. I hope you feel the same but I suspect that I am kidding myself. I've never been with a man that made me feel like you did, and so effortlessly. I'm sure that I must have seemed like a naive little thing to you, useless except to make sweet noises, but you were amazing.

Even now, when I set out to write, I think about you over me, your weight pressing down on me, crushing me in the most lovely way. I think about you inside me, reaching places that had never been touched before. I think about your mouth exploring me, casually opening me and releasing something inside me that no-one else has.

You were so gentle, so giving, but I felt you were holding something back. Were you worried about hurting me? About bruising my delicate interior? I already love that about you, how much you care and think about my comfort, even when you're taking me.

That being said, I'm may be petite, but I'm stronger than I look. There must be things you want to do to a dirty little girl like me. Maybe things that you can't bring yourself to do to your wife? I hope that whatever you choose to do, it's brutal and delicious.

PS - It's hard to be so close to you and yet so far. Just remember that you can be over here and inside me in just a few minutes, any time you want.

-J

Oh fuck. Finally the picture was building. Was I really this slow? This stupid? I flipped through some more of the letters. They were still intensely sexual and private, but more romantic language was coming through. This was a long term affair.

I felt myself break out in the sweat of anxiety. I was both hopeful and afraid that the writer would use her full name. I took a deep breath and decided to skip to the end of the pile. If there wasn't anything to confirm or dispel my fears then I'd go through dad's laptop. I was in it too deep to walk away now.

Daniel,

I know that you wanted to stop seeing me, but I can't stop thinking of you. I love you. I've never asked you to leave your wife and I never would, but we've been together for so long that to be separated feels like dying. Is it really so wrong to love me? Am I truly that awful?

As you suggested, I've tried seeing other men. I've even slept with one of them. Is that what you want to hear? I don't want to say it. I feel so guilty for it. I feel guilty because while I pretend otherwise, I am yours, forever. You have made me so, and setting me aside hasn't changed that.

I think your conscience is bothering you because you are, at heart, a good man. Not all good men are satisfied with just one woman, however, no matter what a close-minded society tells them. I never want to be a bother to you, and I will never ever tell anyone, no matter your decision, but please consider coming to me. You could make love to me or not, I won't push you. I just need to see you, my love.

This brings me to another, much more delicate problem. I'm keeping this separate because I feel that whatever you do about us, you need to be involved with this situation. Kerry knows.

It's my fault. I'm awful with computers, as you well know. When my home PC wouldn't start up, I asked her to look at it. She fixed it, easily. She was checking to make sure I didn't have a virus when she read one of your older emails that I couldn't bring myself to delete. It was both romantic and explicit, leaving no doubt as to our relationship.

She confronted me about it. It didn't go well. She was in tears all night and I know she called your son yesterday. I don't think she told him, but I do think she needed some reassurance from him that I couldn't give. She seemed to be much better today, although she isn't really speaking to me. They're so close, and it's so natural. I used to worry about him and even resented him a bit, which was unfair. Now I think they've become brother and sister in truth despite the sins and secrets of their parents, and I care for him as your wife cares for our daughter.

I didn't tell her everything, obviously, but I told her that her parents loved each other and she was made from that love. She asked if she was a mistake and I told her that she was unplanned but never a mistake. She clearly feels a great deal of guilt. Your wife is almost a second mother to her now and your son is her best friend. Her existence feels like a betrayal of both of them, although I think she brightens the lives of all around her.

Before this happened she looked up to you and I believe that she still does. You've been her surrogate father for a long time, but now it's time for you to be a real one. I think that if you become just a little more present in her life, this will resolve itself and all will be better off for it. I will be as involved in this process as you want me to be.

Whatever you decide, remember that I love you and I will always care for our daughter.

There wasn't a signature but there didn't need to be. I could read the "from" email address just fine.

Judith.XXXXX@hotmail.com

As much as I wanted to deny it, it all lined up. It was true. All of it.

Kerry's mother was my father's lover. He'd cheated on my mother with her for over two, maybe three decades.

My father was her father.

I'd been fucking my half-sister. I was in love with my half-sister. There was no sense denying it.

And she'd known all about it for years.

* * *

I took the papers and the old black book, leaving the love letters from mom on the desk. I'd give them to her later, after I dealt with this unpleasantness. I felt hollowed out, dead inside. If Shanon's betrayal had hurt me deeply, this dug out my core and killed it. I felt like happiness itself was dead, murdered by the truth.

I put them in an old bag that I'd found, and left quickly, before mom had any chance to notice them. I thought about driving over to Kerry's house but in the end I decided that I needed the calming effect of the walk. I didn't want to end up screaming at anyone over this. I just wanted it to be over so I could drive back to the city and never come back here ever again. Maybe I could move to a new place, where I hadn't been lied to and humiliated, and start again.

Maybe I could live life like my father, fucking women and then rating them like they were meals from fine restaurants. Even that fucking bastard fell in love though, twice. I wanted nothing more to do with love.

I threw out the black book on the way over. I honestly did not want either my mother or Judith to see that.

The trip was much shorter than it should have been. I'm sure it took just as long but it was over too quickly for me to truly calm down, and I remembered little of it. It was like I woke up and I was at the door. I knocked.

Kerry answered, her face lighting up. We were supposed to see each other, but not until the evening. The outside of the house was covered in paper pumpkins and ghosts. The yard even had plastic skeletons that appeared to be crawling from the earth. In the back of my mind I appreciated the creativity.

"Hey, I wasn't expecting you until..."

I walked past her into their living room. I spun on my heel and waited for her to catch up. I'm sure my expression was solemn, if not actually angry. At that moment I was far more sad than angry.

She looked at me, her arms across her chest, concern clear on her face. I wanted to speak but she got to it first.

"What's going on, James? Are you ok."

I laughed. It sounded cold and bitter, like someone else. I ignored it.

"They used to call today Devil's Eve."

"What?"

"The day before Halloween. Some places called it Trick Night or Gate Night, but around here they used to call it Devil's Eve. Seems appropriate to me, given what we've been doing. I came back to return these to your mother."

I held out the bundle of letters. I wanted them out of my hands. They felt like a viper that had bitten me, but instead of killing me mercifully had instead poisoned my life and everything in it.

"What are these?"

She took them and looked at the first one, and her hand went to her mouth. It was almost funny in her shock how much that particular motion made her look like her mother.

"Its easy to see how he fell in love with her. I mean, she's a beautiful and intelligent woman. Like her daughter."

"Oh god, James...please, um...just sit..."

"No. I don't think it's a good idea right now. You've known for what? Decades? It was that day you called me, wasn't it? That was the day you found out?"

"James, I...yes. That was the day I called and asked you to come over. I guess you know why I couldn't tell you."

She sighed and looked deflated.

"I guess I do. So, what? I can only imagine the conversations you and Judith had. Did you laugh at me? At my mother? For being so fucking stupid...for thinking that he loved us."

"No! Of course not, I hated it. I hated lying to you. I hated that she kept it up. I..."

"You never stopped being his little girl though, did you? I always wondered why he treated you better than me, but it didn't bother me. I kind of thought it was nice that you got a father figure at least, and it showed me another side of him. God damn him. The fucking asshole dies and leaves this...this wreck..."

"Oh god, please, sit down. You're scaring me."

I almost got mad at that, but I knew what she meant. Even now she wasn't afraid of me, but afraid for me. I never got this emotional, and when I did...it was always a downhill slope for me. Today was more like a cliff and it was too late to for anything but the ground to stop me.

"That's where she was going that day...when you twisted your ankle? Our first time. My...our father was the one picking her up, right? Oh god."

She nodded, unable to meet my eyes.

"And then we fucked. You fucked me. Your brother."

"Half-brother," she said quickly, almost reflexively.

"I'm your brother, Kerry. We're so goddamn close because we're supposed to be. But we weren't supposed to fuck. That's why you kept us such a fucking secret all these years. Oh my god."

I sank into the couch, my head in my hands.

"I love you, James. That's why I never told you."

"Do you?"

"Yes! How can you doubt it?" she got on her knees in front of me, looking up into my eyes, desperate to reach me, "Think about the last week. Really think about how great it has been between us. Oh god this is what I wanted when I came home. I prayed...I hoped...that you would come home and want to be my friend, at least...or my lover again. I've never stopped loving you."

"I don't believe you."

"What?"

"I just....I just don't trust you...I can't. It's too much."

"No! This isn't a bad lie. It was a necessary one. You've got to understand that..."

"A necessary lie. Listen to yourself."

I stood up and headed towards the door.

"Wait. Please. I love you."

I heard her tears and they crushed me. What kind of man wouldn't be affected by his sister's pleas?

"Out of all the things, the worst isn't that we've committed some sin. It's that you lied to me...for so long. The one person in the entire world I trusted completely. Maybe the last one. I love you too, Kerry, I just don't believe in you."

I walked out, trying not to be weak. I felt a part of me dying and I didn't know how to stop it, so I let it go.

Outside, Kerry's mother had just gotten home, and was carrying a few grocery bags full of candy. She smiled warmly at me.

"James. It's good to see..."

Her words died as she saw my face.

"How...how could you let us be together?"

I wanted to be angry, but it was all gone. I felt for her, for losing my father. I felt for her for falling in love with him in the first place. I felt for Kerry. Maybe she didn't really love me, but I thought she probably cared for me as much as anyone ever did.

She just sighed.

"I'm sorry that you found out."

"Me too, Judith."

I walked off, into the rest of my life. The trip home was much worse than the trip over. I felt every step, every sight reminded me of something that I couldn't have. I had to get out of this town or it would kill me.

I resolved to stay overnight, then leave. I'd tell my mother that Kerry and I split and keep the reason to myself. I'd tell her that there were too many memories for me here and I couldn't stay or come back. She'd understand that. I'd get her to visit me instead. It would have to be enough.

By the time I got home I had some kind of resolve. A plan to get out of here and back to my shitty lonely apartment. Maybe I could still work things out with Shanon. I didn't love her anymore, but she was easy on the eyes and would probably do whatever I wanted in bed, until I grew tired of her. The train of thought sickened me with how easily it came to me.

I guess I had some of my father in me after all.

When I entered the house I saw my mother just hanging up the phone. She still had an old landline cordless phone, and no cell at all. The last small town church lady.

I didn't have to be mind reader to guess who had called her.

She saw me and smiled at me.

"Sit down. I've got the kettle on."

I thought about fighting her. I could see that she knew...something? But what. Maybe Kerry had called and asked her to intercede on her behalf. If so, I'd have to leave tonight. I couldn't deal with my mother's badgering on behalf of her cheating husband's bastard daughter. It was too much.

"Sit," she repeated, more firmly, "we're going to talk about your father and then you can go off and ruin your life however you want."

I blinked. I hadn't heard her talk like this since dad was alive. I sat down, more out of reflexive self-preservation than anything else. In the old days I'd have been in real trouble if I heard that tone. After a short time she came in with two cups of tea. Chamomile, to relax me, with honey in it. When she spoke again she was much more compassionate.

"Drink, that dear. It will help."

"I take it that was Kerry on the phone?"

"No, it was Judith. She told me that you had a fight with her daughter and that Kerry was beside herself. I didn't ask what it was about."

"Good," I said. I didn't want to have to explain what I'd found.

"How stupid do you think I am, exactly?"

I barely managed to avoid spitting tea out.

"Wh...what?"

"I mean, I don't think any less of you for not knowing about your father's affairs, but I certainly did. And, while it may have taken me a while, I learned about Judith too."

I was too stunned to speak. Mom kept this from me too?

"Just listen, then you can yell at me like you probably want to. I found out about Judith...lets see...it was right after you went to college. I knew he had a local mistress, and I suspected it was her, but I wasn't sure until then. Once you and Kerry were at college, he got careless and stupid. I followed him once to her house and then went home. We had quite a talk when he got home late, smelling like her perfume and their...activities."

"I bet," was all I could get out.

She snorted.

"Well. You know your father. He was emotional, like you, but without your moral center. It's made your life harder I think, but you're a better man than he was. I loved him though, and he loved me."

"But...how can you say that after he..."

I trailed off. I didn't have the words.

"After he cheated on me all those times? Humiliated me? Yes, that was how I felt, although I'm certain thats not what he thought of it. I made him tell me the truth, don't you doubt it. He told me about the women out of town, mostly just one-night stands, and that he had stopped decades ago. It had just been me and her since before Kerry was born. He committed to both of us then. That's how he put it."

She laughed, a little bitter, but less so than I would have been.

"What did you do? Did you make him stop seeing her?"

"Oh lord no, honey."

Now I did spit out my tea.

"What? Why not?"

"I didn't feel all that bad for him, but then I thought of Judith. She'd been quite young when they'd started seeing each other. She's a smart woman, much younger than I, who'd gone out and been successful professionally. Personally, however, she'd resigned herself to being your father's mistress, and the mother of his child. Your father loved Judith as he loved me, and he most definitely loved Kerry."

"He loved her more than he loved me," I said, without bitterness. I just accepted it as truth.

"Maybe. He was always proud of you, and was able to admit in his later years that he hadn't been there for you. I don't think he understood how to raise a son. I think he worried you'd end up like him. You did, in some ways."

"So...uh...how did you guys end up staying together?"

"Oh, I told him that there would be no more secrets between us. If he wanted to see his other wife, because honestly that's what she was by then, his wife, then he was free to do so, but he had to tell me. And if he ever lied to me again, I'd dump his ass and never look back. I also added that I'd never try to turn you against him, but that I doubted you would want anything to do with him if the details got out. Then I told him that if I wanted a lover, I'd take one, and that was all there was to it. He could accept it or leave."

"You what?"

The idea of my church-lady mother saying those things, much less actually doing them, was so incongruous with what I knew of her that I didn't even know how to respond. She just smiled and winked at me, though.

"Oh honey, don't worry. I never did. That wasn't the point."

"What, uh, was the point?"

"To put the fear in him. To make him feel a small hint of what I'd been feeling for years. He knew me well enough to know that I wouldn't just jump into bed with someone, but he'd have to do a lot better as a husband if he wanted to be the only man in my life. So he became much more attentive. And, naturally, if somewhat unconventionally, Judith and I became friends."

"All right...so you know...that Kerry is my..."

"Half-sister. Of course."

"And you still..."

"Yes. You were lied to. You were both lied to and it was wrong. But that was a long time ago, and any fool can see how much you love each other, and it isn't the love that siblings have. When you came home after this thing with Shanon, I knew that you would end up with Kerry again. I had thought long and hard about that possibility..."

"And?"

"And what I said to you in the kitchen still stands. At my age, I see two adults finding comfort together. I see the love and affection that they hold for each other. It's so boundless that they can barely hold it in. It's clear to me that any attempt to break them up would be...well it would be unchristian."

Unchristian was the worst thing my mother could imagine being.

"But...we, uh, you know..."

"Had sex? Yes, probably a great deal of it, if you're like your father. Does that bother you?"

I nodded.

"Well, my advice for you is to get over it. If you're worried about the possible downsides of sex with your half-sister then don't have children. Other than that, you're both consenting adults."

I just sat there. I guess since we were both being so honest there was no sense holding back.

"What do I do about trusting her? I love her, mom. I do. More now that when I was a kid, if that's possible. But that's...decades of lying..."

Mom smiled at me, real and benevolent.

"There. That's you. Asking the question, the one that really and truly bothers you. I told you that Judith and I became friends, almost against our will. I spoke to her after I spoke to your father, and explained what I wanted from him and from her. I expected a fight, but what I got was acquiescence and guilt. She truly loved your father, and she knew that he loved both of us. We spoke often about our children, and when he died, well, who else would understand our grief as well as each other. We became a group therapy session of two. We don't agree on everything. In fact, we argue about politics, religion, god, even philosophy. She's such a good debater! Anyway, we do agree on one thing, and that is that our children each represent the best of their respective parents, leaving the worst behind them."
"And?"

"And that means that Kerry is trustworthy. I would trust her with my life, if it came to that. Wouldn't you? Right now your head is spinning, your heart is dropping, and I can see it clearly. You need a moment. That's fine. I told Judith to calm her daughter and to tell her to wait. She did lie to you, and you've had a hell of a shock...but if you think for one moment she would deceive you to be with another man or otherwise hurt you, you've lost your mind."

"But how can I..."

"No buts! You know this. You might be denying it to yourself, but Kerry isn't Shanon. She's not so easily fooled or naive about the world. And she isn't selfish like your...her father. I guarantee that lying to you hurt her deeply, and I also guarantee that this awful secret that her parents forced her to carry around kept her from being with you, for a long time. If there's anything truly shameful about this whole thing, anything that I cannot forgive your father, its that you couldn't be with the woman you loved. The woman you were meant for. She lied to be with you, but she also lied because she felt such pain at the truth and she would do anything to protect you from the same pain. She would die for you. That's not something to throw away lightly."

I just sat there, finishing the rest of my tea.

"I'm almost done, now, then I'll leave you be. I'll only add one more thing: Whatever you decide to do, you're still my son and I'll support you. If you want to leave and never come back, then I'll visit you in the city and be happy about it. Just go and take a nap. Let your mind settle. Then make your decision, and you know it will be the right one, and not made in haste."

"All right, that's fair. Will you wake me in a few hours?"

"Of course. I love you, son."

She kissed me on the head and took my empty cup. I stood up and walked up the stairs in a daze. I lay down thinking that there was no way I could possibly nap, but I was asleep in seconds. I dreamed that I was floating down the river, afraid but excited as well. Eager to see what was around the next bend. I woke feeling refreshed if not truly relaxed.

I got up and splashed some water on my face to wake up. It was early evening now, and things were dark outside. Quiet. I could hear the fall wind buffet the house, and hear dry leaves scrape against it.

I texted Kerry.

Meet me down by the bridge in twenty minutes.

I threw on my coat and left without waiting for a response. She'd be there.

----------------------------------------------

Then - Masks and Tricks

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The Wedding

There were rules about the groom seeing the bride before the wedding, but they didn't apply to the bride's best friend. I knocked on the door of the church office, which was currently serving as the official changing room. Judith peaked around the edge and smiled when she saw me. Having never married, she was at least as happy as her daughter. To my surprise she hugged me, as if I too was her child.

"I'm so glad that you could be here for this. Both of us are, of course, but...it means a lot that you made it."

It was a bit of a trip to be sure, and at a busy time at work, but really, I felt like I had to be there.

"I would never have missed this."

Judith noticed that my attention was behind her.

"Oh, of course. Let me get out of your way. Kerry's all ready, you can have a few minutes."

Judith left and I walked in. I saw Kerry and she looked...amazing. Her dress was off-the-shoulder and she looked like she was going to fall right out of it, in the best way possible. Her hair was braided like she was a princess, and on her wrist...

"That's the bracelet I made for you that day we kissed for the first time."

She laughed.

"Its both old and blue. Bill understands why its important to me."

"Wow," I said, stunned by both the implication and her appearance, "you look absolutely devastating, by the way."

She smiled and slight wetness touched her eyes.

"We're doing traditional, so Bill get's his Best Man and I get my Maid-of-Honor, but I don't have any real place for my best friend."

"I'm fine with just being here. And it's a good excuse to force my dad and I to sit together."

Her smile faltered, just a bit, but came back stronger.

"If you two reconnected...that would be a great wedding present."

"Well, I think we're both gonna try. We've been civil with each other for a year now, and he and mom seem really happy. Oh, I also got you that blender you wanted, so you know I'm not just some cheapskate. You can make soup in it, it's amazing."

She laughed, once more, and then surged forward suddenly and hugged me, sobbing. I cried too, unashamed. We didn't need to talk about her feeling of guilt at marrying someone that wasn't me, or my sadness and jealousy at watching her do it. We didn't need to fight our way through those feelings to the point where she reminded me that I was her best friend and that just being here and accepting her choice was meaningful. Then I would have told her that I was, in fact, happy because she was, and that even if we weren't meant to be together, we'd always love one another. That hug and our tears took the place of needless words.

It was a beautiful ceremony and a wonderful day. Dad and I did get along very well. Others would just say that we'd been friendly, but mom could tell that we were much warmer to one another that we had previously.

Looking back, it really didn't matter that we didn't say anything substantial. Kerry saw us together, and we did reconnect on some level. Nothing quite worked out like we expected, but it remains a pleasant memory.

The Funeral

I was lost and mom was worthless.

I'm not complaining, although it might seem like it. Mom was the center of our family, the glue which held everything together, working hard to keep our love alive. She loved Dad far beyond anything most of her church friends would have understood, and dad returned those feelings. Maybe at the end, he loved her even more.

She was devastated by his death, even though it wasn't a complete surprise. We all knew that he had heart disease, and that the treatments and medications had probably elongated his life by a decade or more. It was still sudden. He dropped dead on the golf course, one minute joking with a friend, the next saying that he didn't feel too well. Then he just fell down and died.

Mom, understandably, called me first, and I came home immediately. Shanon followed on her own, understanding that I had to leave immediately. She promised to bring anything I forgot, so I could get there faster. I still appreciated that, even after how we split. When I got home I found that Mom hadn't done a thing. No funeral scheduling, no decisions about coffins, no important papers signed, no obituary written. Nothing. I understood, completely.

I could tell that Judith had tried to help, and she hadn't left my mom's side, but there were so many decisions that the state and community would only allow families to make. I took care of everything and spent all my available spare time with mom. Mostly in silence. Sometimes we spoke, other times we cried. I loved my father and grieved his loss, but the distance between us became a boon, enabling me to make choices that were best for the living. In some ways my father was very selfless, and I knew that would have been what he wanted.

The day of the funeral is still a blur. I remember two things clearly. Shanon was there to support me, and I remember thinking that I should really marry her, despite the fights and differences. We could work them out. I was sure of it.

The second thing was Kerry. She looked as wrecked as I was, and I could tell that she felt for me. She'd kept her distance from me before this, but that wasn't a surprise. Today, however she hugged me, like she did that day when she called me, like she was always living close to my heart and never left.

"I'm sorry, I love you."

That's all she said. Somehow, it meant more than anything else, and something inside me that has been longing for my first love felt fulfilled. From this point on, when I felt hopeless about ever connecting with Kerry again, I remember the hug. The hug reminded me that her distance may have been temporary and that her feelings were, in some way, endless. Like mine.

I got through it, stayed with mom until she was at least a little less broken, and got back to my life. Time flowed forward.

----------------------------------------------

Now - All That We Hallow

----------------------------------------------

Today was a day for facing fears, so I went back out on the bridge when I arrived. Our town had no real nightlife to speak of, especially not near the downtown. It would be more active tomorrow with the children trick-or-treating and the adults getting dressed up for their own parties. I stopped halfway across, leaned a bit on the railing and let the cold wind reinvigorate me. If felt to me like it would rain later.

I tried to stay relaxed, and the heights didn't seem to bother me at first. Then I started wondering if I'd permanently alienated Kerry when I'd confronted her. Would she even show up? I closed my eyes and took deep breaths. Now was not a good time for this. Then I made the mistake of opening my eyes and looking down.

For people with a fear of heights, vertigo is not all that uncommon. My anxieties blended seamlessly together and felt my balance shift and roll. I tried to back away from the railing but instead I started to lean forward, just a bit. It was like watching from outside myself. My body pivoted slightly over the rail. I was still in control, I just had to lean back just a bit. Just a tiny bit and I would be fine. Instead, my foot slipped ever so slightly. I felt myself go past the tipping point, just a hair. I knew that I would be falling now, and that there was nothing that I could do to stop it. I wasn't panicked, oddly, and a little voice told me that this would be a fitting place to die. Like my life was a circle and returning to the river would be appropriate.

My memory of this moment could be inaccurate. My balance was very off and I was intensely anxious. It is likely that my fears colored this experience, but at the time I truly believed that I was going to go over, tumbling into the cold dark.

When strong, small hands grabbed my jacket and pulled me back, stabilizing me, I knew who my savior was. I stepped back and away from the rail, my legs giving out on me completely, the fear taking me again. I landed hard on my ass and sat there, stunned. I realized that my life had just been saved and I wanted to express my gratitude, very much, but I couldn't make my mouth form words. I made a noise kind of like a groan and lay down right there on the cold grating. I thought Kerry would be mad at me, probably thinking I came out here to commit suicide, but she wasn't.

"Hey, look at me."

I did.

"Are you feeling lightheaded? Like you might pass out? Just nod or shake your head, don't try and answer."

I nodded.

"All right. I've got you, ok? I think you've had a panic attack and I'm going take care of you. Just relax. The cold from the metal should help."

It did. I felt her lifting my legs up, which seemed like an odd thing to do but it really did help. I just closed my eyes and tried to relax. After a few minutes, I felt better. I didn't want to speak and have to face my embarrassment, but I wasn't going to let her sit there holding my legs forever.

"You...you can let go now. I think I'm ok, now. I'm sorry."

She lowered my legs, slowly, gently.

"Don't apologize. Instead, just...just promise me that you're not going over any bridges? Or wrecking your car? Or anything like that all right? It's going to be very hard not being with you, but if you died...I don't know. I don't think I would make it, James."

"No. I'm not going to hurt myself. I'm not. I won't pretend that I don't have thoughts sometimes, you know that I do. But I've never acted on them and I never will. I didn't come here to kill myself. In fact I was feeling pretty optimistic before I started to freak out a moment ago."

Kerry knelt beside me and felt my forehead, looking into my eyes with such a crushing sadness that I almost couldn't stand it.

"You could have fooled me. For a moment I really thought you'd called me out here to watch you die."

"I'm so sorry, Kerry. I'd never do that to you."

"Good. I mean I know that you got sad sometimes, when we were young. Are you still taking stuff for it?"

"Yeah, and it works, mostly. You always helped me through it when we were kids. Just by being there."

"I'm here now, too, if you need me. I'm probably the last person you want help from, but..."

"No. You're who I want. I'm sorry for the things I said. "

"Why are you apologizing? I should have told you everything. I didn't want to hurt you or ruin us or get my mom in trouble but I should have told you...especially before we...oh god. Especially before...the first time. After that...it just felt like we...I...had crossed a line and that there was going back."

"I've been doing a lot of thinking about that."

"I bet."

"Yeah. Its how I ended up here. Help me up?"

She looked a little dubious as to whether I could stand on my own, but she stood up and held her hand out. With her help, mostly for stability, I got up. I looked at her closely for the first time that night and I asked myself what I saw. What I really saw, not colored by things our father had done.

I saw a woman who was very alone and who needed her lover. I saw a flawed human being who kept secrets for both selfish and selfless reasons. I saw someone who had been fighting a struggle between attraction and denial, love and lust, for over a decade. Alone. Well, she wouldn't have to any more if she didn't want to.

"Do you still love me? I mean after the shitty things I said to you? And the way I came out here and nearly died in the stupidest way possible."

That made her angry, which brought out her vulgarity. Maybe it shouldn't have, but it warmed my heart a little to hear it.

"What kind of stupid fucking question is that? Of course I love you, you asshole!" she said, angrily, but then it turned to something else, and she put her hand on my chest and said, "And if you want to leave...I'll respect that. I will. I won't be like...her. I just need to know if..."

I took her hand and kissed her on the palm with all of the gratitude of a man reprieved from execution.

"I don't want to leave. I want to stay with you. Here or anywhere, really, so long as you're there. That's about all I'm certain of tonight. If you still want me."

"Oh," she said, simply. Her eyes clouded a bit with tears and I hugged her.

"Come on," I said, "I want to sit with you."

"We can do that somewhere less cold," she said, finally smiling.

"Yeah, but it wouldn't be our bench, would it?"

She took my hand and I led her across the bridge. There was no fear this time.

* * *

We crossed the bridge and turned right down a path that led between some trees and into the small strip of parkland by the river. Soon we were sitting on the lone bench that sat in front of "our" grove. We sat together and she leaned into me. I put my arm around her and pulled her close, and she relaxed, putting her head on my chest.

"Ok," she admitted, "maybe this wasn't the worst idea."

"Do you remember this spot?"

"I can't even believe that you'd have to ask me. Yeah. This was the place we liked to sit and cuddle until there was no one around..."

"...so we could sneak into the grove and fuck like rabbits."

She giggled.

"There's something about you swearing that makes you more adorable. Yeah. So we could fuck like rabbits. Its too cold for that tonight...in case you were having ideas."

"How could I not have ideas? I have all kinds of ideas about you. Pretty much all of them need a bed, or at least a warm floor, though."

"Oh, such a gentleman. Giving me a warm floor before he has his way with me."

I laughed. We were silent for just a bit, sitting there.

"Are you really ok with it?" she asked, finally.

I sighed.

"Is maybe a good answer?"

"It's better than no," she said, hopefully.

"I love you. I can pretend not to, but I love you. And...and I'm torn. You're my sister..."

"Your half-sister," she corrected me, quickly.

"You're my sister," I said again, "and at times in our life I've cared for you like one. I think you treated me like a brother, even before you knew."

"Yeah," she said. She was quiet now, as if still expecting some kind of doom.

"I want you. I want you so badly right now. If you said yes I really would take you back there and fuck you, right now, hard. I would do it and love it and make you cum and never regret it."

She made a little noise in her throat but then looked up at me.

"I sense there's a 'but' coming..."

"Sure there is. There always is. You being my sister...it just feels right. Really right. Like that was the one thing I was missing about you, to really understand you and be the person you need. Also, and I fully understand if this disgusts you, but the idea that I've fucked my sister...it really turns me on."

Kerry's head shot up so fast that I thought she'd get whiplash.

"Re..really? You don't think its sick? Or wrong?"

I shrugged.

"Sure. Part of me does. Part of me will for a while I think. But you're Kerry, and I love you and we were made for each other. I don't want to be apart from you again. I don't want anyone different. I'm not my...our....father. I'm yours and yours alone. Anything else is just a hangup that I'll have to get over."

Kerry let out a deep breath and leaned her face into my chest. She was crying.

"Oh god. Hearing you say that. You don't know. I felt so awful for so long, but eventually I just accepted that I was sick somehow. I found the truth out, and I kept it to myself. For my mom. For you. That's what I told myself. I even told myself that I'd be good, that we'd be close but we didn't need to be lovers, not really. Even if that's all I really wanted."

"You found out the day you called me and wouldn't tell me what was wrong."

"Yeah. God I must have looked crazy."

"No. Not really. It all makes sense to me now. I remember telling you that I didn't think that you carried the sins of your ancestors."

"And now?"

"My answer hasn't changed. I do feel bad that I kissed you, though, while you were vulnerable."

Kerry looked up and faced me, her blue eyes fierce.

"No! Don't ever feel bad about that. That's...that's the best part of that day. To know that you cared for me that deeply, that you would listen to me, understand that it was about me somehow, and then still...still want me. I stopped you, but it was so fucking hard."

"That wasn't the only thing that was hard on that couch..."

She snickered.

"I bet. But really, I wanted to kiss you back. I wanted your hands on my body. I wanted to be in your arms. I knew it was wrong though. Wrong because we shared a farther and wrong because you didn't know about it. So I stopped you and took comfort in seeing how deeply you knew and cared for me. I promised myself I'd be a good older sister to you and look out for you that day."

"What changed?"

"Hmm?"

"Between then and our first time. You weren't just being an older sister in that bathroom."

"No. I wasn't. I won't pretend that I didn't want that. I knew what I would do as soon as you bent down to pick me up in the bath. I hoped that you wouldn't want to resist me when you saw me naked and ready for you."

"God you were so beautiful sitting on that bed. Like a work of art."

"Ok now you're just being cheesy."

"I'm earnest. It's the only way I know how to be with you. But you haven't answered my question."
"That's fair. Time and memories changed me. That kiss. That fucking kiss on the couch. It ruined me. It was the second perfect kiss I'd ever had, but this time our bodies were so close...and your hands were on me just the way I like, without being told. I would tell myself that it wasn't that important, that I'd feel that way about someone else someday, but in the dark of the night, when I was fingering myself to frustrated orgasm after orgasm, it was you I was thinking of. Sometimes in my fantasies you would be kissing me, sometimes much more. And then of course you started dating Eve or whatever her name was from history class."

I couldn't help but smile. Eve was a smart girl, and kind of a firecracker. She seemed innocuous, but once you lit her fuse she went off in wonderful and unexpected ways.

"Yeah, Eve. That was nice, but never really serious."

"You could have fooled me. You guys were always touching and kissing. And she always had her hands all over you, possessive, like you belonged to her. I told myself that I didn't like her and that it was because she was a slut and she'd just hurt you. That was a lie, and I realized it when I saw you getting her off in your car. Just hand stuff, but I so wanted to be her right then, and I realized that I loved you and I couldn't stop loving you. It was jealously, plain and simple."

"So when we finally broke up..."

"...I had been ready for that. I'd given up on being just a friend to you, but I didn't just want to seduce you or trick you. I thought of a million ways to tell you the truth, but I was a chickenshit. And then...then I kissed you in the bathroom."

"And we made love."

"Yeah. After that, I really felt that I couldn't tell you. I could never face you. It wasn't just a lie, it was the only thing keeping you from running away from me. The man I loved."

"I can understand why you wouldn't tell me. That's a lot of responsibility to put on a conflicted teen. If you had told me there was every chance I would have just gone to my mom. She might know now but she didn't then."

Kerry sat up and turned around and faced me, one leg under herself. For just a moment she was 18 again and we were just dumb kids trying to get by. I felt myself falling in love with her again.

"Your mom...knows? About my mom? That I'm your half-sister?"

"Yep. She spoke to me about it."

"For how long?"

"Since we both went off to college. My...uh, our dad got caught with his pants down and things escalated I guess. Our mothers are friends now. Its...weird."

"Holy shit. I knew that they had become friends...but what? They shared him?"

"I guess. I'm really trying hard not to think about it. I guess they were a comfort to each other when he died. That must have been hard for you, too."

"Yeah. It was. I really wanted to talk about it with you, but I couldn't. Not without ruining your image of him. And you guys were distant anyway. I'm...I'm sorry."

She looked pained again when she said it. I probably knew why she was apologizing but I had to ask.

"For what?"

"For...taking your dad away. For my mom cheating with him. For him paying more attention to me than raising you. For...for..."

She trailed off, in tears. I pulled her close and held her then kissed her on the head.

"You know that none of that is your fault. None of it. You just lived in the world that your parents made for you, and you did it in the best way you knew how. When I found evidence of what dad did, it just hurt me so badly. I didn't like being lied to but if I had thought about it for a minute I wouldn't have been quite as angry about it. I would still have confronted you, but it would have been a conversation rather than me hurting the woman I loved and storming out."

We stayed there, just being together, occasionally talking, mostly silent. Kerry started to shiver so I walked her home.

"You still want to help me pass out candy tomorrow?" she asked when we'd reached her doorstep.

"Yeah, I think that would be great."

We kissed on her doorstep, like we were both kids again and we'd just got back from the movies. After she went inside she watched from the door until I was out of sight. I slept well and dreamed of her.

* * *

Over breakfast mom told me that while I was over handing out candy with Kerry at her house, Judith would be doing the same at our house with my mother. It was odd thinking of them as close friends, but it made a kind of sense that they would get along. I was glad that they had each other. Also, and more selfishly, I appreciated that they accepted us and conspired to give us time together. I think that they were tired of seeing their children unhappy, and were willing to do and accept quite a bit to ensure their future contentment.

They were, on reflection, willing to overlook a lot.

It was weird, knowing that not just Kerry and I knew our secret, but also our mothers. I tried not to think too much about it, but it was impossible to ignore completely. I'd just have to get over it. Kerry was my future and I was hers.

I decided to finish up with some minor repairs in the house before I went over to see Kerry. I was both eager and excited to see her today, but something in me wanted to draw things out. I was just replacing a light switch when Judith showed up. To my surprise she walked over and gave me a side hug and a warm, if a little sad, smile.

"I'm sorry for putting you through this. I'm at least as responsible as your father for hiding everything from you. And for making Kerry my accomplice."

I looked at Judith for the first time in a different way. This was the woman who my father had risked his marriage for. In turn, she'd given up a normal relationship for him, raising their child in relative secrecy. She protected my father at the expense of her own reputation, and never really stopped being his. If that isn't love, I don't know what is. She was still gorgeous and whip smart. I could absolutely see risking everything for Kerry, who shared many of her mother's qualities. I guess I was more similar to my father than I thought.

"I'm sorry you had to keep everything secret. You and Kerry lost at least as much as mom and I did when he died. And you didn't deserve all the rumors and gossip."

Judith smiled a little wider.

"God, you are so much like your father. All right, enough maudlin nonsense. We both know there's somewhere you'd rather be."

I didn't argue with that. I cleaned up a bit, grabbed a backpack with a change of clothes and left. Taking the old walk full of anticipation at seeing Kerry was like being eighteen again and knowing that she was waiting and eager for me. Ready to laugh with me, love me, and ultimately pleasure me. It thought back to past trysts and tender lovemaking sessions, and to the times when I'd had her fiercely, up against the wall or bent over a convenient chair or table. She'd been up for anything, if it was with me.

I knocked on the door and Kerry appeared within seconds, smiling. Just like old times. She was dressed in a simple college sweatshirt and tights, and she looked amazingly appealing in them.

"Trick or treat," I said with a lopsided grin.

She made a face of mock-fear.

"God, that costume is terrifying," she said, mocking my complete lack of anything other than ordinary clothes.

"Good thing you like being a little scared," I said, moving inside and picking her up easily by her tight ass. Her legs naturally wrapped themselves around me and she laughed throatily as I kissed her on her neck and collarbone.

"Oh god, I don't want you to stop but if we get started then the kids will be disappointed that there isn't anyone to pass out candy. Because I'm not letting you get dressed again tonight."

I put her down by the sofa, a bit reluctant to let her go.

"On the other hand, you do moan pretty loudly. They might just think the house is haunted."

Kerry laughed, delighted.

"Oh no! It's the Slutty Ghost of Hawthorne Street!"

"Hey, I wouldn't say she's slutty..."

She wrapped her arms back around me and her face took a more serious cast. When she spoke it was soft and breathy, promising more than just sugary delights.

"Maybe not in the old hateful way that people say it...but I know that she's your slut. I guarantee that no matter what you want from her, she'll never tell you no. I'll never tell you no, James. That's not such a bad thing to be, is it? To be whatever the man you love wants?"

We may have been anticipating trick-or-treaters soon but I almost turned out the lights and fucked her right there on the living room floor. I was painfully hard. I leaned down and kissed her, softly, gently. When we stopped we just looked into each other's eyes.

"You may be on to something there. I'll have to work hard to be worthy of a woman like that."

"Don't be silly. You already have me."

I held her close.

"And I'm not going to lose you. I want us to work...I want it more than anything."

She kissed me this time. We made out for a little while, nothing heavy, just standing in the living room. We both jumped when the first knock sounded.

We laughed as Kerry disentangled herself and opened the door, picking up a bowl filled with Reese's cups and junior mint boxes. The good stuff, in my opinion. There was a Black Panther and a Storm, both kids around ten or twelve. Looks like the kids had made their costumes on their own, maybe with a little help from their parents.

"Nice job on those outfits," I said, giving the Wakanda salute, which was returned immediately. Kerry looked at me strangely but I just shrugged. The kids ran off, laughing.

"What was that?"

I sighed in an exaggerated fashion.

"I know you're a busy woman, but you need to make more time for superhero movies."

"Well. I did used to know a guy. We would cuddle and watch dumb shit together. He didn't always have the best taste, but he was big and warm."

"Maybe that's what you need to come home to," I said, more or less without thinking about the implications. After thinking for a second, I realized that I didn't regret saying it at all. Kerry's face grew serious, her brow furrowed. She was about to ask something. Something desperately important that she was afraid to talk about, but had to. I could read that, easily. Brothers knew their sisters, after all.

She opened her mouth. There was another knock at the door, this one louder. I cracked a smile and grabbed the bowl of candy, leaving Kerry to collect her thoughts. I opened the door to three witches, all adorable, all colorful and different.

"Trick or treat!"

I held the bowl out so their tiny hands could grab what they wanted. We didn't enforce the one-piece-per-kid rule because we had a ton of candy and we always hated that rule growing up.

"Ok, so you have to tell me what you're from," I was stumped. Kerry helped me.

"They're the three witches from Hocus-Pocus, you dork!" she said, making all three girls laugh.

"Oh, right! Have fun!" I called after them as they ran off to the next house. I closed the door. Kerry didn't wait even a second to ask.

"Did you mean it?"

"Did I mean what?" I said, half-sure of what she was talking about. She was having none of it and grabbed my arm, not hard, but arresting.

"The thing about...about me...coming home to you. I'm so happy...you wouldn't understand. Well, maybe you would, but its more than one thing. Now that you know the truth, its like I feel so much lighter. And you still want to be with me, wherever I go. That's what you said. I mean...I'm fine with being together any way we can. If you want to live separately...like I assumed...that would be fine. I mean, but...if you really meant that you wanted to live together. God."

"I probably should have brought it up at a better time. If it's too much or too soon, I understand. My mind's been kind of racing on all kinds of things."

"So. You'd want that? To live in a house? With me? Like we were...you know..."

The door rattled as at least six tiny hands knocked at once. Kerry, normally the most patient of people with children, rolled her eyes in frustration and I couldn't help but laugh. She grabbed the candy bowl and held her finger up in a universal signal that told me that if I moved there would be hell to pay. She gave candy to a gaggle of screaming princesses and one Optimus Prime, and then returned.

"Ok," Kerry said, starting again, "I'm going to need an answer to this kind of quickly, before the next tiny assholes interrupt us. This is, uh, kind of driving me nuts, ok? Because...because I've dreamed about it since we kissed for the first time. What it would be like...you know...to live together, and..."

Kerry wasn't usually a babbler, but I could tell this wasn't going to end any time soon, so I stepped up.

"Yes. Yes I meant it. Yes I want to live with you," and then, for good measure, because now certainly was the best time for it, "Yes I want to marry you. I want you and I want all of you."

Kerry's jaw dropped. Really, she had just been making sure that I was serious about wanting to live together. I was. And a lot more. Yeah, it was moving fast, in a way. In another way it was like a puzzle that had been incomplete for a very long time, and now the pieces were all falling together. This felt as natural as breathing.

Kerry tried to speak, but her eyes clouded with tears. She opened her mouth, but stopped again, choked up. There was a knock at the door.

"Oh my fucking god," was what Kerry mouthed, but did not actually say aloud, before chuckling. I led her to the couch, where she sat down. This time I gave the candy out. They were teenagers, all around fourteen, and they'd gone full classic cosplay. I smiled wide, knowing who they were.

"Let's see...Sailors Mars, Mercury, Jupiter, Neptune, Uranus....and Saturn. Nice, don't see Saturn a lot."

I closed the door and sat down beside Kerry. She reached out and took my hand in both of hers.

"So, um, first, I'm going to need to know how you know all of the Sailor Scouts by heart."

"What? I really liked that show. And you have no room to judge; you totally wanted to be Sailor Mars. I always had kind of a thing for Jupiter."

"Oh my god you are such a dork."

I shrugged.

"Guilty. But that makes you a dork-fucker."

She laughed and I followed. It felt good. Finally she spoke.

"All right, yes, I'm in."

"You're into dork-fucking?"

"No you fucking idiot, I'm going to goddamn marry you, and we're going to fucking live together, and maybe have some kids and shit. No takebacks."

I smiled.

"No takebacks," I agreed

We kissed. It was the most romantic moment of my life.

* * *

The rest of the afternoon passed with us giving out candy interspersed with making vague plans for the future. Nothing concrete, we both knew. But we discussed practical matters too, like our salaries and jobs. Where we wanted to settle. Whether we could afford kids, and whether we wanted to risk having them together or adopt. We didn't realize it until later, but we'd planned the foundations of our future, and we more or less stuck to it.

As the day went on, I noticed that Kerry was teasing me a lot more. From a lot of subtle touching to sudden kisses to smoldering looks to outright flashing me right after I closed the door. I think she did the latter just to see my face. I did think she had perfect breasts, so I appreciated it.

This meant that we were both pretty worked up when, at last, the clock hit 8 pm and the trick-or-treat hours were officially over. Kerry swayed over to the door and turned off porch light. There was no way that she didn't know that I was watching her ass as she did it, but she probably wasn't expecting me to be right behind her as she turned around.

Kerry gave a surprised yelp as I lifted her up by her ass and pinned her to the door with my body, then gasped as I pushed my hard cock against her sex and began to kiss her on the neck.

"Oh, fuck. James...like that baby. Take me to bed."

I ignored her request for the moment, loving the feel of her small, warm body pressed up against mine. She was already grinding against me as much as I allowed, and she whimpered as I nipped her neck.

"Please," she said, her voice breathy, "don't make me wait. Please make love to me..."

I may have enjoyed the feeling of having her at my mercy, but the truth was I could never truly refuse Kerry anything. I released her and she set her feet down with a little sigh. Then she took my hand and led me up the stairs. As she opened the door to her room she stopped and looked over her shoulder.

"When I came home last night, something felt off. I couldn't figure it out until I went to bed. I missed you, of course, and I know you missed me, but it was different than that. I realized that I'd started thinking of my bed as our bed. You not being here, beside me, suddenly feels very wrong. I want you, but I want you to spend the night too. If you feel comfortable with it. I'd like to wake up to you spooning me. Or fucking me. Either is fine."

All I could bring myself to do by way of answer was surge forward and kiss her. I was forceful, guiding her backwards to the bed, minding her step so she didn't fall down. When she reached the bed she sat down and I took her sweatshirt off, fast. She didn't resist, but she didn't help, enjoying the feeling of being stripped before being taken.

I couldn't wait, and began to kiss and suck at her stiffened nipples. She wrapped her hand around my head and held me there, pulling me into her. She cried out as I pinched one between my lips, a little too hard in my eagerness, but there were no apologies. Instead, as I stopped to take my shirt off she undid my belt and button almost frantically. She pulled my jeans and boxers down swiftly and I stepped out of them.

I pushed her to her back, firmly, pulling her tights off, hard. She wore no panties underneath, and the scent of her arousal greeted me. She smiled up at me, that adoring, simple smile. Not truly or solely sexual in nature, I finally understood it. It was giving. It was her offering everything she had or was to me. I found myself wanting to do the same.

I moved towards her but as I did she turned over and got on her hands and knees. She loved this position, but it made her feel vulnerable. We'd talked about it when we were younger. I was almost too eager to be restrained, but I entered her carefully. I never truly wanted to hurt her.

"Oh...oh fuck...yes. Go a little slower. It's fine, just different from this angle...god I missed this. I never told you, but you've been the only man I've ever been completely comfortable with in this position. Even my ex...we did it, but I couldn't completely enjoy it, you know? You, though. I want to be open and vulnerable to you. Oh...oh fuck."

I grunted, feeling Kerry's tight passage hold me, grip me. She looked back over her shoulder at me, a little discomforted, so I waited, knowing that her body would adapt to being so full. She smiled at me, understanding my restraint

"No one's ever been as good a fuck as you, Kerry. Maybe its crude for me to say, but its true."

"It...its not crude, baby. James...oh fuck...I'm ok now. Fuck me baby. Please. Hard. I need...I need to be taken by you. Show me I'm yours, please. I don't want anything between us any more. Oh...yes...oh god....like that baby..."

I started fucking her before she was done speaking. I was so worked up that my balls hurt and my cock ached. It hadn't even truly been that long but I needed her. I knew already that I'd need to get off again tonight, just from being close to her. I wanted to be slower at first, I really did, but she responded so well to me, pushing back and gripping me as I pulled out. Whimpering every time I left and exhaling, then moaning as I came back. I naturally started fucking her harder, increasing the intensity as I went.
"Oh, fuck. Fuck me, baby," Kerry said, looking over her shoulder with a wicked, provoking, grin, "Fuck your sister-bride..."

I lost it at those words. Deep down, I found what we were to be forbidden, and she knew it. She knew it and she wanted to be both my blushing bride and my forbidden fruit. I fucked her with such intensity that her moans and cries echoed through the house, the slapping of our flesh impacting each other was nearly as loud.

I held her hips, first gently but now almost harshly. I was close and I wanted to bury my cock deep within Kerry, deep within my sister, I wanted to fill her completely with my cum. I wasn't even thinking of her pleasure, I was taking her, driving myself inside her. Claiming her like she was my property.

"Kerry...I'm going to..."

I tried to warn her, I even wanted to slow down a little, make it last longer. But that wasn't what Kerry wanted. She wanted what was happening, wanted to please me. She wanted to show her devotion, how she could give of herself.

"Cum, baby. Cum inside me. Its what I want. Its what I'll always want."

I came, a seemingly endless stream of my seed filling her, spurting over and over. My swelling must have triggered her as well, because she was calling out my name as I said hers, her body shaking and tense. She was seized by two beasts at that moment. One was her orgasm, riding her, gripping her tightly, making her helpless. The second was me, still hard, still pounding into her, my balls nearly empty but not stopping. Her head dropped between her hands, ass up in the air, unable to take any more. I finished with a grunt, spent, my cock still twitching for my lover.

I pulled out of her and she sighed, rolling over and looking up at me. There were tears in her eyes and I couldn't tell why.

"Did I hurt you?" I asked.

"No, baby. No...I'm just happy. I feel...I know its silly...but I feel like we just got married. Like this was our real consummation."

"That's not silly. That's...beautiful."

I moved away from her for a moment, going to get a towel for us to clean up, but her arm shot up at me, almost desperately reaching for me to come back. Instead of leaving I climbed into bed with her, spooning her the way that I used to. I pulled the sheet around us, protectively. Kerry cuddled up to me, pulling my arm around her, between her breasts, pressing her whole body into mine.

"Mmm...god...that was...nice..."

We were asleep, within minutes, sated and happy. Later we would wake up and make late dinner together, unable to keep our hands off of one another, and fuck on the couch, almost as a tribute to the old days. We understood, however, that things were different.

Kerry and I slept over at each other's houses throughout November, neither of our mothers complaining. To Kerry's chagrin I went home after that, to make plans and begin to pack up my things. I was gone for three weeks and it felt like months. Always the go-getter, Kerry found us a house. Perfect for two but more than enough for a small family, if that should ever happen. I returned and we spent Christmas together, just me, Mom, Judith, and Kerry, a happy if un-conventional family. Our move in date was in early January. I made several trips back and forth from the city, both for work and to facilitate the move. Kerry's own job allowed her to work from anywhere, really, but there were meetings that she absolutely had to attend, all over the world.

I'm not going to lie to you, things weren't always easy, especially not at first. Kerry and I had always fought, now and then, as friends and indeed siblings do, but we did it healthily. And now we always made love afterwards. We learned to trust and be transparent with each other, keeping no secrets. If one of us felt a little insecure because they had been apart from the other, we'd talk about it, and explain why.

Gradually, we adjusted to the wonder of waking up together, and found a new harmony. Neither of us was the same, but we were what the other wanted and needed, and it was enough. Kerry supported me in my depression, and I kept her insecurities at bay. We balanced and complemented one another, and it just worked.

We weren't always happy, but we were most certainly in love and full of hope. What more could anyone ask for?

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Yet To Be - A Good Party

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15 Years Later

Much to our mothers' chagrin, Kerry and I eloped to the Caribbean less than a year after getting back together. To their pleasant surprise, we invited them to accompany us and have their own vacation as we took our honeymoon. We wanted it to be special but neither of us wanted to make a big deal out of it. Besides that Kerry just couldn't stop laughing when I brought up her wearing another white dress. It was a little too ridiculous in its implications.

We got married by the beach. She was incredible in the short skirt she wore with the off-shoulder tropical blouse, and she liked how I appeared in my well-fitted linen pants and tailored short-sleeve shirt. We were casual, but we looked good. And there's nothing like taking your vows with the tropical ocean as your witness. After that, the rest of our lives began.

Kerry and I both wanted children, but we didn't want to take any risks with a child's health, nor did we want to have to explain any inconvenient DNA tests that they might have in the future. So we decided to adopt. It took over a year, but in the end we were blessed with two of the kindest, smartest, and most wonderful children you could hope for.

There would be no doubt to any outside observer that our fourteen year-old daughter, Zara, and our twelve year-old son, Adam, were not naturally ours. They just looked too different. But we had resolved never to lie to them, so they knew that they had a biological mother who had passed suddenly when they were three and one, respectively, and that we had adopted them. We loved them as if they were our own, and both of their grandmothers spoiled them to an almost-obscene degree.

Tonight they were both up a little later than usual. We were hosting our yearly halloween party. It featured games and activities for the children and a place where the adults could go and drink and hang out in a relaxed atmosphere. You could wear a costume, but it wasn't required.

Things were finally quieting down. Most of the kids had gone home except for a few that were sleeping over. Kerry and I were hanging out in the kitchen with Amanda and her girlfriend, as well as Judith and her husband (they'd been together for five years by then). Our daughter and her friends were there too, enjoying the banter and for the first time being considered "old enough" to be there. Amanda, being one of Kerry's oldest friends, was telling a series of borderline-inappropriate stories about Kerry. I'd dodged any spotlight, so far.

"Why do you have all these stories about mom but not dad?" Zara finally asked. Uh oh.

Amanda smiled as though she had been waiting for this moment.

"Oh, there are stories about your dad, but a lot of them are R-rated or worse."

I raised my eyebrows at that.

"That's just untrue. I was a good kid. Relatively speaking."

"Oh really? So you're saying you weren't a player?"

"I mean, I dated, but..."

"No, I dated. You got around like the village bicycle."

I was going to protest, but then I did some mental math. It turns out that before I'd seriously started seeing Kerry, I had, um, seen quite a few girls even if I hadn't had sex with many of them. Kerry was barely smothering laughter as our daughter looked at me, scandalized.

"I thought that you and mom were together in high school?" she asked, "Oh my god, did you cheat on her?"

Amanda, to my surprise, saved me.

"No. Your father may have had a lot of, um, 'limited engagements' with girls but he never cheated. Especially not on his Best Friend Forever, Kerry."

"Oh god," Kerry said.

"What does that mean?" Zara asked, innocently enough.

"It means, that your father and your mother were best friends and incredibly close and that everyone but them knew that they'd end up together. We were all shocked that they went to different colleges but none of us were when they got back together even if it did take them a long time. Oh my god, I have the best story about this..."

"Amanda...Zara is fourteen," Kerry warned. Judith laughed, probably thinking about what Kerry was like when she was that age.Too smart and not all that innocent.

"Don't worry, I'm not going to shock anyone. This is a romantic story. Your mom used to play soccer, and one day she was at practice, and your dad was there, waiting to drive her home. So he was sprawled out on the bleachers like Adonis or some shit, posed so his muscles would have maximum impact through his tight jeans and t-shirt. And your dad had this kind of moody emo boy thing going, too. He was reading Nietzsche or something."

"It was Marcus Aurelius," I corrected.

"Oh my god, shut up you nerd. What I'm saying is that you may not believe it but your dad was like the hot smart loner, ok? He stood up to bullies and read poetry and just kind of looked gorgeous."

"I was neither posing nor gorgeous," I objected.

Kerry scoffed.

"I almost asked you to wait for me by the car," Kerry said, "Don't you remember that poor freshmen back-fielder, Becky? She was watching you so intently that she let me score on her."

I didn't see how I could be blamed for that.

"Anyway," Amanda said, taking back the floor, "Your mom gets hit in a slide tackle, and she goes down hard on her ankle the wrong way. We all saw it. It took her out for like three games. She barely got to the sidelines. So we were all understandably worried about getting her home. I offer to like, support her, like a crutch, because its like a quarter-mile to the parking lot. But your dad wasn't having any of that. He just comes ambling over, hair blowing in the wind and says, 'I'll carry her. She's the size of a baby mouse.' Now we all thought that he was just being a dumb guy, posturing for a bunch of women. But he just grabs both their book bags, and then scoops your mom up. I swear to god it was like he was Tuxedo Mask and she was Sailor Moon. That might be too old for you to get but its what I thought of at the time. He carried her all the way to the car, no stops or trouble. And your mom was smiling so wide and blushing so much it was amazing. Every girl there wanted to go out with your dad right that moment."

Ok so this story wasn't so bad after all, I reached out and held Kerry's hand. But Amanda wasn't finished. She always had to drop the mic.

"Coincidentally that's when your mom and dad started 'secretly' dating. Well it was supposed to be a secret but the whole damn school knew. I wonder what happened that night?"

Amanda said the last sentence with a degree of sarcasm. Kerry probably had discussed it with her at one time or another. Fortunately Zara seemed to be focussed on the idea that her parents at one time had been romantic rather than dull and middle-aged. But, of all people, Karen's mom wouldn't leave well enough alone.

"Hmm," Judith said, "I seem to recall I was out that night and left both of you alone together. You didn't get up to any mischief, did you?"

Kerry, my beloved wife, just turned beet-red and looked away. Honestly I still find her almost unbearably adorable when she does that.

"We were both eighteen and I have no further comment at this time," was all I said, before finishing my beer with a smug smile. There were objections from the table and some demands for details, but no one but us needed to remember that night. It was far more special than anyone but myself and Kerry knew.

"Time for bed," Kerry said in her best mom-voice. It was well past one am but that was kind of a dirty trick. Zara hugged her mom and kissed me on my cheek on the way out. Adam was already in the basement with his friends, probably playing video games. Zara had some friends over too, so we had a full house, but we didn't mind.

We'd made a home here, created a family, and we were a part of the community. I was no longer religious but I was active in a lot of the same charities that my mom was. Kerry volunteered in the same youth-mentoring program that our father had been a part of. Zara played soccer, which pleased my wife to no end and Adam shared my passion for reading and writing.

And really, it all went back to that night when Kerry twisted her ankle. To secrets and lies told out of love. To family.

* * *

The party had wound down as the best ones did. A little earlier than when we were all younger, perhaps, but everyone had a good time. We escorted people to the door in the slow way you do when you are ready for it to be over but enjoy the company of your guests and are in no rush to get rid of anyone.

Adam and his friends had the basement that night. Zara and her friends had the living room. They'd all be up far too late but wouldn't really misbehave aside from maybe some spirit-boards and spooky stories. We'd be here if they needed us but otherwise they got their space for the evening. They were good kids, and Kerry and I both knew that we were fortunate.

I'd just finished getting dressed for bed when Kerry came back from the shower, wrapped in a towel. God, she was still as beautiful as she had been when she was eighteen.

"Thanks for being doing all this," she said, kissing me casually as she walked past.

"Doing all this?"

"You know, with the party and all. It's something I love to do and every year I ask you to take a lot on to make it happen."

"You may not realize this but we're married. I kind of love you and love doing things for you."

"Ha ha. You know what I mean. Work had me so busy this year I didn't realize how much of the planning and prep I'd put on you until people started showing up."

"I know, but I love the party too. I love seeing everyone and it makes the kids happy. And I'm the layabout writer while you bring home the big money on a tight schedule, so it makes sense that I'd do more."

My earnings were approaching Kerry's for the first time ever, but she never pressured me to match her salary. When we got married she insisted that I quit writing textbooks and started writing fiction, which was my real love. She made more than enough to support our modest lifestyle as well as the family we planned on having. She just asked me to be flexible and help her when she had to work long hours. I think other people worried that being the stay-at-home dad would mess with my ego, but honestly we were partners and hyper-masculine bullshit didn't enter into it.

We did everything like we had before, together and in harmony, from planning this party to raising our kids. And we never, ever took each other for granted. I understood that this was why Kerry was thanking me. She didn't do it because she had to, or because I would be upset if she didn't, but because she wanted me to know that she saw what I did, and she appreciated it.

I watched my beautiful wife as she dropped the towel and dressed in the simple t-shirt that she slept in. She yawned and stretched and caught me watching as her shirt stretched around her perfect, pert breasts. She smirked at me.

"How tired are you?" I asked, turning off the light and getting into bed.

"Never too tired for that," she said, "but we'll have to be really quiet."

"Just like when we were 'studying' in my room all those times?"

I could hear Kerry's breath pick up a little bit. We still excited each other, and our shared past just seemed to amplify our chemistry.

"Yeah. Like that. But I'll be on top this time. Cover my mouth if you have to."

As Kerry, my best friend, my half-sister, my greatest love, and my wife, straddled me, I thought again back to the days long ago when everything nearly fell apart but came together instead. When the truth hurt us but then set us free.

In my mind, and when reminiscing with my love, that time would always be known as our Heart's Fall, and we would never forget it.